07/31/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16249
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard…
The 6 year old asks, “You know what…? I think it’s about time we started learning to cuss”.
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, “When we go in for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with a$s”..
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
“Aw, hell, Mum, i guess I’ll have some Cheerios”…
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step…
His mum locks him in his room and shouts,
“You can stay there until I let you out”…
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old and asks with a stern voice,
“what do YOU want for breakfast, young man”…?
“I don’t know,” he blubbers,
“but you can bet your fat a$$ it won’t be Cheerios”…
07/30/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16246
Sarah was in the fertilized egg business.
She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.
Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Sarah’s favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all!
When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming would run for cover.
To Sarah’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring.
He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.
Sarah was so proud of old Butch, that she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the
“No Bell Peace Prize” they also awarded him the “Pullet surprise” as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and scr*wing them when they weren’t paying attention?
Vote carefully in the next election. You can’t always hear the bells.
07/29/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16243
A daughter takes her old father in a wheelchair to a retirement home for the first time.
The nurse, expecting their arrival, greets them with,
“Welcome to the Johnson family retirement home! We think you’ll feel quite at home here! Please follow me and I’ll show you around.”
The nurse pushes the old man in the wheelchair along with the daughter following close by.
“Over here we have the dining hall. We serve lunch and dinner every day, and we offer a varied and changing menu so you’ll always have something new to choose from!”
The old man says nothing, but slowly but steadily begins to fall to his left.
The nurse, noticing immediately, grabs a pillow and wedges it on his left side to keep him from falling.
The nurse then proceeds with the tour.
“Over here we have the recreation room. We have a ping pong table, tv, and dart board, but if you prefer checkers or board games, we have those available as well!”
Again, the old man says nothing, but just stares forward, and slowly but steadily begins falling to his right.
The quick-thinking nurse once again wedges a pillow on his right to keep him from falling. The nurse then proceeds with the tour.
“And finally, this will be your room should you choose to stay with us. You won’t have to share it with anyone else. We offer a king-sized single bed with an in-room mounted tv so you can also watch television in your own room if
you wish. We have handicap-accessible bathrooms in this small room adjacent, and for any and all your needs, we have a button you can press and we’ll come to your every service right away!”
The old man, still with a blank stare, begins to slowly but steadily fall forward, and the nurse catches him and props him back and places a pillow on his legs to prevent him from falling forward.
The nurse escorts them back to the entrance, and says,
“Please let me know if the Johnson family retirement home would be the right place for you. I’ll leave you to discuss privately.”
The nurse then returns to her desk. The daughter looks at her father and asks,
“So? What do you think of the place?”
The old man says,
“I love the dining room, the recreation room, and the living quarters, but there’s one thing that bothers me.”
The daughter leans in, “What’s that?”
The old man replies,
“Why won’t they won’t let me fart in this place?”
07/28/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16239
An old fisherman makes camp up in the north country near a blue-green lake, and in the morning he starts to make breakfast.
As he’s cooking, a little family of moles living in a mole-hill nearby begin to smell what the old fisherman’s cooking.
The mother mole says
“Hey! Old Fisherman’s cooking, and it smells like bacon!”
The father mole sniffs the air and says
“No no I smell pancakes, butter and maple syrup!”
The teenager mole says
“You’re both wrong! He’s making eggs!”
And the littlest mole says
“I don’t know what you’re all talking about, all I smell is mole-a$$e$”.
07/27/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16234
A city mouse had a country mouse stay for the weekend, and spent the whole time offering urban advice.
On the last evening of the country mouse’s visit, they were dining in the kitchen when it came to the largest cat the country mouse had ever seen.
“Don’t panic,” said the town mouse,
“Leave this to me.”
Marching up to the cat she said, “Bow wow wow wow!”
The cat turned and ran from the room.
“How did you do that?” asked the country mouse.
“As I told you,” said the town mouse, “it pays to learn a second language.”