Daily Joke: Jokes Library

One day a man with an elephant walks into a movie theatre:

“I’m afraid I can’t let your elephant in here, sir.” The manager says.

“Oh, I assure you, he’s very well behaved.” The man says.

“All right then.” The manager says.

“If you’re sure.”

After the movie, the manager says to the man.

“I’m very surprised! Your elephant was well behaved, and he even seemed to enjoy the movie!”

“Yes, I was surprised, too.” Says the man.

“He hated the book.”

An old man calls Pizza hut to order a pizza…

CALLER: Is this Pizza Hut?

GOOGLE: No sir, it’s Google Pizza.

CALLER: I must have dialled a wrong number, sorry.

GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.

CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER: My usual? Do you know me?

GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three kinds of cheese, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER: Super! That’s what I’ll have.

GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER: What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!

GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER: How do you know that?

GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago.

CALLER: I bought more from another Pharmacy.

GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER: I paid in cash.

GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER: I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!

CALLER: WHAT THE !!!

GOOGLE: I’m sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER: Enough already! I’m sick to the death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I’m going to an island without the internet, or TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or
spy on me.

GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago…

An old Fiat breaks down on a remote road.

The driver discovers he has no signal so he can’t call for help. He decides that the only thing for it is to start walking.

Just as he is heading off, a shiny new BMW stops next to him.

“Hello, are you having car trouble?”

The driver asks.

“I’m afraid so.”

The driver of the Fiat answers.

“Tell you what, my car is strong enough, I’ll tow you to the nearest garage!” Says the BMW driver.

The Fiat driver is overjoyed at this, and together they couple the little hatchback to the BMW using a rope.

As the BMW driver gets in, the Fiat driver asks him something.

“This is an old car, so please drive carefully.”.

The BMW driver nods his head.

“Just honk if I’m going too fast!”.

With that, he gets in and they drive away.

They drive for a while when suddenly a Porsche races by them.

The BMW driver doesn’t like this blow to his ego, so forgetting that he has a car in tow starts chasing the Porsche.

As they race down the road, they pass a farm.

The farmer looks at the spectacle and walks inside.

“What’s the matter with you? You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” his wife says.

The farmer replies:

“I just saw a BMW and Porsche racing, and an old Fiat honking to get past”

A husband in his backyard is trying to fly a kite.

He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.

He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband,

‘You need a piece of tail.’

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,

‘Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.’

The husband comes home and is worried because he has a scratch on his chest caused by a fingernail from his mistress, opens the door sees the cat asleep on the couch and gives him a tremendous kick.

The cat “screams” a loud meow and runs out the door.

The wife comes into the living room and asks what happened and he angrily replied:

This cat seems crazy, I was walking in and, just like that, he jumped on me and scratched me in the chest.

Look at that hell of a scratch!

The woman replied:

You did very well, today this f*cker has bitten my a$s and gave me one hell of a hickey on my neck.