Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Ma and Pa were two old hillbillies living out on a farm up in the hills.

Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full.

He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn’t know what to do to empty the hole.

Ma says,

“Why don’t you go ask the young’n down the road? He must be smart ’cause he’s a college gradjyate.”

So Pa drives down to the neighbour’s house and asks him,

“Mr College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don’t know what to do to empty it.”

The young’n tells him,

“Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off

and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it’s in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then

come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole.”

Pa thanks the neighbour, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.

He goes home and puts them under the outhouse.

He then lights them and runs behind a tree.

All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air.

BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm.

Then, WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.

Pa races to the outhouse throw open the door and asks,

“Ma, are you all right?”

As she pulls up her panties she says,

“Yeah, but I’m sure glad I didn’t fart in the kitchen!”

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening.

She’s not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.

He has a bad case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure.

Luckly, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him.

He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.

He farts, and the woman yells,

“Spot, get down from there.”

The guy thinks,

“Great, they think the dog did it.”

He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.

This goes on for a couple more farts.

Finally the woman yells,

“Dammit Spot, get down before he craps on you.”

A sixty-four-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing when a young man walks by and asks him what’s wrong.

Through his tears, the old man answers,

“Im in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman.”

“What’s wrong with that?” asks the young man.

Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers,

“You dont understand, every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime, she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favourite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me or@l sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love.”

He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him.

“I dont understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you sitting here on this park bench crying?”

The senile old man answers, again through his tears,

“I forgot where I live.”

Earl and Johnny go out on a hunting trip together.

The nights are already cold so they don’t mind sharing the tent for one.

At around 1 am, Earl wakes up suddenly:

“Johnny, what do you think you’re doing?!”

Johnny: “My hands are cold, I was just warming them between these two pillows.”

Earl: “THOSE AREN’T PILLOWS!”

An elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening.

She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as:

Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say,

‘I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.

The elderly lady hung her head.

‘I have to tell you the truth,’

she said,

‘his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I’m scared to death to ask the cranky old a$shole what his name is.’