08/25/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16333
The police dispatch picks up the phone and writes down the call for help:
“Please send someone urgent, a cat has broken in!”
The police dispatcher responded,
“Sir, I don’t think I heard you correctly. A cat at your home?”
“A cat! He has invaded my house and is walking towards me!”
Again the police dispatch tried to correct him
“But how so? You mean a thief?”
“NO! I’m talking about a fre@king cat, the one that does ‘meow, meow’, and it’s coming my way!…. You have to come now!”
“So what about this cat coming toward you?” the officer replies trying to grasp the situation
“He’s going to kill me, now he’s going mental! And you will be the reason I die”
“Who is talking?” the officer asks
The parrot, you jac**ss!
08/24/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16330
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull:
“Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows but I ain’t givin’ him any of mine.”
Second Bull:
“That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine.= I’ll fight ‘im till I run him off or kill ‘im, but I’M KEEPIN’ ALL MY COWS.”
Third Bull: “I’ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to “take care of”. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.”
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another- Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took
toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: “Ahem…You know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cow’s justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.”
Second Bull: “I’ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: “Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”
Third Bull: “Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I’m just making sure he knows i’m a bull!
08/23/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16328
A man is at work on the day of his marriage anniversary…
However, on the same day, his incredibly hot secretary confesses her feelings and offers to have s** with him.
Because he had been stressed over work, the man takes her up on her offer, and the two make love in a nearby hotel room.
They went at it so hard to the point that neither realized it was getting dark already.
“Shit!”, the man said,
“It’s my anniversary and my wife is going to kill me if i get home really late! Worse if she even finds out!”
And so the man hurried back home, leaving his secretary at the hotel room.
On his way home, he takes off his shoes and runs them through a couple of shrubs and some grass.
He gets home, and his wife was waiting at the door for him, furious like never before.
“Now, honey, I know you’re mad that i got home late, but the reason this happened was because i was having sex with my hot secretary from work all day long. I promise,” the man explained.
Seeing his shoes covered in dirt and grass, the wife yelled,
“YOU LYING BASTARD! YOU’VE BEEN PLAYING GOLF HAVEN’T YOU?!”
08/22/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16325
A wolf, a rabbit and a tortoise needed a drink.
They drew sticks and the tortoise came up short and had to go to the shop to get a bottle of Vodka.
An hour passed and the wolf and the rabbit got pretty pissed.
“This is too slow even for a slowpoke like him”, said the wolf.
“If I went, we would already be on our second bottle by now”, chimed in the rabbit.
The door opened and the tortoise poked his head in,
“If you guys criticize this much, I ain’t even going!”
08/21/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16320
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a “sniffing dog”.
“His name is Sniffer and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.”
The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says:
“Watch this.” He tells Sniffer to “search”.
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent’s arm.
The agent says, “Good boy”, and he turns to the man and says:
“That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.”
“Say, that’s pretty neat” replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent’s arm.
The agent says, “That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.”
“I like it!” says his seatmate.
The agent then told Sniffer to “search” again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the seat.
The first man is really grossed out by this behaviour and can’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent,
“What’s going on?”
The agent nervously replied,
“He just found a bomb!”