Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. “

“Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!”

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks,

“Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?”

“No, sweetheart,” she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks,

“Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?”

“Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.

“One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?” he asks.

“Oh, forgive me, Abie,” begged Esther.

“I didn’t send that one, either.”

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him,

“What was that for?”

Abe answers,

“They’ll find us!”

This little kid is walking up the street with his Daddy.

They see two dogs going at it.

The little kid says “Hey daddy what are those doggies doing?”

The father says “Ahh, they’re making a puppy.”

That night the little kid walks in on his mother & father and daddies on top driving it home to mama!

The little kid says “Hey daddy what were you doing with Mommy?”

He says “Oh, we’re making it a baby.”

The kid says, “Turn her over, I want a puppy!”

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.

‘Twenty pounds,’ she whispers.

Paddy had never been with a hooker before but decides what the hell, it’s only twenty pounds.

So they hid in the bushes.

They’re going ‘at it’ for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.

It is a Police Officer.

Allo, Allo, Allo, What’s going on ‘ere, people? asks the cop.

‘Ta be shure, Oi’m making love to me missus,’ Paddy answers, sounding annoyed.

‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ says the cop,

‘I didn’t know.’

‘Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!’

A man is in the final stages of getting ready for his wedding…

Everything is going well except for one small matter his bride-to-be’s extremely hot younger sister.

One afternoon, a week before the big day, he finds himself alone with her in the house.

She slides up to him and suggests going upstairs – before he finally settles down to a life of wedded bliss.

The man begins to panic. Running through his options he charges out of the house – only there, in the front garden, to discover the rest of the girl’s family all waiting for him.

As soon as he emerges, they give him a big round of applause.

“Congratulations “, says the father-in-law,

“you’ve passed the test. You have proved yourself a man of honour and integrity, and I’m delighted to give you my daughter’s hand in marriage “.

The fiance can’t believe it and breathes a huge sigh of relief. His wife plants a big kiss on the cheek.

Moral of the story is? Always leave your condoms in the car.

A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded,

“Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,

“Son, go get your Mother.”