02/12/2023 from Daily Jokes
#16870
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic’s shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far away and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.
He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had the problem of how to carry all of his purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?”
The farmer said,
“Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.”
The old lady suggested,
“Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”
“Why thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says “Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said,
“I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?”
The farmer said,
“Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”
The old lady replied,
“Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”
02/11/2023 from Daily Jokes
#16868
Joe was sitting at a bar. He was totally depressed. The bartender, serving him a drink, asked what was wrong.
“I’ll never understand women.” – said Joe.
“The other night on my birthday, my wife said as my gift, I could do with her what I wanted.”
“Wow! That’s quite some gift.” – said the bartender.
“So why are you so dejected?”
“Well I thought about it for a while” said Joe, “and decided to send her home to her mother, and now she won’t even speak to me!”
02/10/2023 from Daily Jokes
#16865
A teacher is trying to teach good manners to her third-grade students.
She turned to her class and said,
“Michael if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”
Michael said, “Just a minute, I have to go pee.”
The teacher responded by saying,
“Well, that would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?”
Sherman said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you behave for once and show us your good manners?”
Johnny said, “I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.”
That’s when the teacher fainted…
02/09/2023 from Daily Jokes
#16863
A couple had been married for 40 years and he managed all of the money.
He told his wife that he did not ever want her to look inside the safe.
One day, when he was away her curiosity got the best of her and she looked into the safe and found $10,000 and three eggs.
When her husband returned home, she told him what she had done.
He said, “I told you never to look inside the safe!”
She answered, “Too bad, I did. But I don’t understand what the 3 eggs are doing in the safe.”
The husband said, “Well, to be perfectly honest, I put an egg in the safe every time I have an affair with another woman.”
The wife said, “I am not pleased about that but, then again, I suppose 3 times in 40 years is not all that bad.”
The man answered, “I should also tell you that when I get a dozen eggs, I sell them. That is where the money comes from.”
02/08/2023 from Daily Jokes
#16861
An old-timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.
The Old Man says,
“Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it’s built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months.”
“But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo…”
Then the old man gestured at the bar.
“Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth it is, how intricately carved? I planed that surface down by me own achin’ back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days.”
“But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo…”
Then the old man points out the window.
“Eh, Laddy, look out to sea…Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board.”
“But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo…”
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention, and whispers,
“But ya f*ck one goat…”