Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife,

“Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!”

Martha replies,

“Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?”

The man responds,

“I don’t care.”

“Just so long as you’re out of my house by noon!”

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train.

His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp.

“What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.

“Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight,” says Paddy.

“That little squirt, O’Conner,” says Sean,

“He couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.”

“That he did,” says Paddy,

“a shovel is what he had, and a terrible Iickin’ he gave me with it.”

“Well,” says Sean,

“you should have defended yourself, didn’t you have something in your hand?”

“That I did,” said Paddy,

“Mrs. O’Conner’s breast, but it didn’t help much.”

Every Sunday afternoon a mother found a candy bar wrapper in her young son’s room.

She finally had to ask:

“Johnny, why do I find a candy bar wrapper in your room every Sunday after church?”

He answered by saying that God gave him the money and he used it to buy a candy bar.

The mother quickly replied.

“God gave it to you? How did this happen?”

“Well Mom, you give me a dollar to give to God.”

“So before church every Sunday I throw it up into the air. I figure if God wants it he’ll take it. If not, it will fall back down to me.”

A 5-year-old son Little Johnny after reading the story of a king.

Johnny: Mom, I also want 3 wives. one will cook, one will sing, and one will bathe me.

Mom: And which one will put you to sleep

Johnny:..No mom, I will still sleep with you…Mom’s eyes filled up with tears … God bless you, son.

Mom:…but who will sleep with your 3 wives.

Johnny: Let them sleep with daddy…

Daddy’s eyes filled up with tears… God bless you, son!

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem.

The woman kept complaining about every little detail and making the trip unbearable.

But a few days before their vacation ended, a tragic accident ended the woman’s life.

The undertaker told the husband,

“You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000.”

The husband thought about it for a few seconds, then told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home.

“Why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here in Jerusalem, and it would only cost $150?!” the undertaker asked, taken aback.

The husband replied,

“Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!”