Daily Joke: Jokes Library

One day in the jungle a chimpanzee invented some tools to eat his dinner.

One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food:

The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point.

He used to spear his food and place it in his mouth.

The chimp was very proud of his inventions which he called his one-point tool and his four-point tool.

One day he awoke to find that the four-point tool was missing.

The chimp was distraught.

He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool.

First he came upon the lion.

“Lion, Lion!” he cried,

“Have you seen my four point tool?”

“No.” Replied the lion,

“I have not seen your four point tool.”

Then the chimp came upon the gorilla.

“Gorilla, Gorilla!” He cried.

“Have you seen my four point tool?”

“No.” Replied the gorilla,

“I have not seen your four point tool.”

Then the chimp came upon the jaguar.

“Jaguar, Jaguar!” He cried.

“Have you seen my four point tool?”

“Yup!” Replied the jaguar

“I’ve seen your four point tool.”

“Well where is it?” Inquired the chimp.

“I ate it.” Said the jaguar, smugly.

“Why would you do that?” Cried the chimp.

“Because.” Replied the big cat,

“I’m a four point tool eater jaguar!”

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter.

Then she gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurriedly, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman pulls the boy’s pants down, carefully takes hold of his testicles, and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her profusely, saying,

“I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

” No,” she says, “Divorce attorney.”

One evening, Little Johnny, his brother Little Jimmy, and their dad, sat down to eat supper.

The dad turned to Little Jimmy and asked,

“Little Jimmy, what would you like to eat first?”

To this Little Jimmy replied,

“I want some of them f*ckin’ peas.”

In a flash, dad slapped the sh!t out of Little Jimmy.

“Now what did you want to eat first Jimmy?” asked the dad.

“I want some of them f*ckin’ peas,” said Jimmy.

Dad then backhanded Little Jimmy clean out of his chair and halfway across the room.

Little Jimmy shook it off and promptly returned to the table.

Returning to the table, short of breath, and trying to regain his composure, the dad turned to his other son Little Johnny and calmly asked,

“Well Little Johnny, just what would you like to eat first?”

Little Johnny, glancing at his brother on the floor, turned back to his dad and quickly exclaimed,

“Well you can bet your sweet a$s, it ain’t none of them F*ckin’ Peas!

On a senior citizens bus tour, while the passengers were unloading to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in the driver’s ear.

She said, “Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!”

The driver didn’t think much of her complaint but promised he would check into it soon.

Later, that same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, “Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!”

This time, he figured he’d a better look into it.

A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to find out if they knew what was going on.

He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor beneath the seats and stooped down to question him.

“Excuse me, sir, could I help you?”

The elderly man looked up and said, “Well, sonny you sure can. I’ve lost my toupee and I’m trying to find it…”

The man continued, “I thought I’d located it twice, but they were parted in the middle, and mine is parted on the side!”

During a shortage of eligible men, a bear, a pig and a rabbit are called up for national service.

While waiting for the medical examinations, they all admit they’re terrified of being killed.

‘I’m ungainly and pink,’ says the pig, truthfully.

‘The enemy will see me a mile off – so I decided to chop my tail off.

The rabbit nods sagely – and the bear realizes the bunny’s ears have been removed.

‘I just hope it works,’ says the rabbit.

Mystified, the bear watches as both animals enter the examination room – then return, smiling.

‘We’re free to go,’ says the rabbit.

‘They said a rabbit without ears is not a proper rabbit, and a pig without a curly tail is not a proper pig!’

He’s about to leave with the pig when the bear pipes up.

‘Hang on a minute!’ he cries.

‘I’m massive and slow – I’d not last a day.’

The other two look at the bear.

‘Well,’ says the rabbit,

‘Your sharp teeth could be useful in combat. You might want them removed …’

Nodding miserably, the bear lies down – and the other animals start kicking his fangs out.

Eventually, the dazed bear, blood pouring from his mouth, stumbles through the door.

A moment later he returns.

‘Did you get let off?’ says the pig.

‘Yesh,’ splutters the bear.

‘Apparently, I’m too fat.’