01/06/2023 from Daily Jokes
#16765
An elderly patient in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release.
When asked what he would do if released, he replied,
“I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place.”
Obviously, his release was denied.
Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question.
His reply was the same.
“I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place”.
Again, he was turned down.
Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released.
The elderly patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and he told him.
The elderly patient said,
“You will never get released with answers like that. You have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions.”
So, after considerable coaching, the man felt that he was ready.
So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out. But this time he was ready.
He said, “I am going to get a job, find an apartment, and settle down.”
“Good,” they said, and then what?”
He said, “I want to meet a nice girl and start dating.”
They agreed he was making real progress and asked, “And then what”?
“One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her br@ off and lie her down on the bed.”
“Yes? they said excitedly.
“Then I am going to gently remove her p@nties,” he continued.
The board members were really getting excited now and asked,
“Then what are you going to do?”
He said, “I am going to take the elastic out of those p@nties, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!!!
01/05/2023 from Daily Jokes
#16762
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:
“There’s no easy way to tell you this, so I’ll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, the wife stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself – and to stop her mind racing.
She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller’s gaze, steadied her voice and asked:
“Will I be acquitted?”
01/04/2023 from Daily Jokes
#16757
A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups, and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard.
As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt tug on his overalls.
He looked down into the eyes of a little boy.
Mister,” he said, “I want to buy one of your puppies.”
“Well,” said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat of the back of his neck,
“these puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money.“
The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer.
“I’ve got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?”
“Sure,” said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle.
“Here Dolly!” he called.
Out from the doghouse and down ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur.
The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight.
As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse.
Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller.
Down the ramp it slid. Then in a awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up….
“I want that one,” the little boy said, pointing to the runt.
The farmer knelt down at the boy’s side and said, “Son, you don’t want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would.”
With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.
Looking back up at the farmer, he said,
“You see sir, I don’t run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands.”
With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup. Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.
“How much?” asked the little boy.
“No charge,” answered the farmer, “There’s no charge for love.”
01/03/2023 from Daily Jokes
#16754
There once was a blind old man who decided to visit Texas.
When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said,
“Wow, these seats are big!”
The person next to him answered,
“Everything is big in Texas.”
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar.
Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands.
He exclaimed, “Wow these mugs are big!”
The bartender replied,
“Everything is big in Texas.”
After a couple of beers, the blind old man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located.
The bartender replied,
“Second door to the right.”
The old man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over a bucket and skipped the second door.
Instead, he entered the third door, which leads to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind old man started shouting…
“Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
01/02/2023 from Daily Jokes
#16751
An eagle swoops down from the sky and eats a mouse.
Three hours later, while the eagle is flying, the mouse sticks its head out of the eagle’s b*tt and asks,
“How high up are we?”
“About 2,000 feet,” the eagle replies.
The mouse replies,
“You ain’t sh*ttin’ me, are you?”