Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest.

The first one spied a nut and cried out, “Oh, look! A Nut!”

The second squirrel jumped on it and said, “It’s my nut!”

The first squirrel said, “That’s not fair! I saw it first!”

“Well, you may have seen it, but I have it,” argued the second.

At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, “You shouldn’t quarrel. Let me resolve this dispute.”

The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, “Now, give me the nut.”

He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, “See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved.”

Then he reached over and said, “And for my fee, I’ll take the meat.”

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie.

As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says,

“Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife.”

Donnie says, “OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.”

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Ronnie says, “Where did you get that beer, Donnie?”

Cooter’s wife gave it to me,” Ronnie replies.

That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?”

“Well, not exactly,” Donnie says. “When she answered the door, I said to her, ‘You must be Cooter’s widow’”.

She said, “You must be mistaken, I’m not a widow.”

Then I said, “I’ll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.”

A one day little Johnny asks his dad if he can take a shower with him.

The dad says “yes, but don’t look down.”

So the johnny is in the shower with his dad and he looks down and asks what it is.

The dad replies it’s a snake.

Then he asks if he can take a shower with his mom.

She says “yes, but don’t look up or down.”

They are in the shower and the boy looks up and asks what it is.

The mom replies they’re her headlights.

Then he looks down and asks what it is.

She says it’s her bush.

Then the little johnny asks if he can sleep with his parents.

They reply “yes, but don’t look down.”

He is in bed and then looks down and yells “mommy, turn on your headlights.

The snake is going into the bush!

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy.

The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.

“Ever have an accident?”

“Nope, nary a one.”

“None? You’ve never had any accidents.”

“Nope. Ain’t had one. Never.”

“Well, you said in this form you were bitten by a snake once. Wouldn’t you consider that an accident?”

“Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose.”

A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, “There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn.”

“No problem,” spoke the Rabbi. “My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening.”

With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door.

The farmer opened the door,and there stood the Rabbi from the barn. “What’s wrong?” asked the farmer.

He replied, “I am grateful to you, but I can’t sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.”

His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him.

But a few minutes later the same scene occurs. There is a knock on the door. “What’s wrong, now?” the farmer asked.

The Hindu holy man replies,

“I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can’t sleep on holy ground!”

That leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.

Moments later there was another knock on the farmer’s door.

Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.