01/11/2023 from Daily Jokes
#16780
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.
The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly..
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster!
“What on earth could be going faster than myFerrari?” the doctor asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”
01/10/2023 from Daily Jokes
#16777
“Says here,” he says, “you didn’t really do anything wrong and they were willing to let you into the Other Place.”
“Yes,” said the dead soul. “But I said I’d rather be in Hell with my best friend than in Heaven with God!”
“Huh,” says the demon. “Okay, we don’t normally do requests, but this once, we’re prepared to accommodate you. Here we go…”
In a moment they were translated from the Vestibule to the Ninth Circle, where Satan himself is eternally imprisoned at the centre of the great ice plain, and the dead soul saw someone he knew, frozen into the ice. With a gesture, the demon unfroze the ice slightly and pushed the new arrival in next to his friend.
“Enjoy the Circle of Traitors,” he said, and vanished, leaving the two men alone facing each other at arm’s length, already frozen in place from the waist down.
“I don’t understand, Bob,” said the new arrival. “You were a great guy! How did you end up here? In Hell? In the Circle of Traitors?!”
The dead in Hell cannot lie.
“…I fuck3d my best friend’s wife,” Bob answered.
01/09/2023 from Daily Jokes
#16774
When a woman entered the pharmacy, she approached the pharmacist and stated to him, staring into his eyes,
“I want to purchase some cyanide.”
Why on earth do you need cyanide, the pharmacist questioned.
“I need it to poison my husband,” the woman said.
“Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw us both in jail! All kinds of awful things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!” the pharmacist cried, his eyes growing wide.
The woman took out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife from her purse.
You didn’t tell me you had a prescription, so that’s different, the pharmacist said after taking a look at the picture.
01/08/2023 from Daily Jokes
#16771
There are two nine story buildings neighboring each other.
One neighbor yells to the other neighbor of the opposite building:
“Hey Michael, when is your birthday?” One neighbor yells to the other neighbor.
“May, Why do you ask Alex?” The second neighbor asks in return.
“Because I know exactly a gift for you.”
“ok, and what will it be?”
“Since we can see everything every time your wife blows you, I’ll be more than happy to provide you with window curtains.”
“Fine, and when is your birthday?” The second neighbor asks the other neighbor’s first question.
“July, why do you ask Michael?”
“It seems to me that I found a perfect gift for you as well.”
“And what will it be?”
“Binoculars of course. That way you would finally be able to recognize whose wife that woman is.”
01/07/2023 from Daily Jokes
#16769
The teacher asked Little Johnny if he had any pets.
Little Johnny replied
“Yes I have a pet cat and this morning before I left for school I put some lighter fuel in the cat’s water bowl. The cat raced up the stairs. jumped over the beds, ran down again, across the living room to the curtains, climbed up to the top and then fell down onto the floor. The cat just lay there motionless”.
“OMG”, exclaimed the teacher, “was your pet cat dead”?
“No” said Little Johnny,
“He just ran out of gas…”