Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A vain lion wanted to find out why the other animals were not as beautiful as he.

First he asked a giraffe.

The giraffe did not know.

Next, the lion asked a bear.

The bear had no answer.

Then the lion asked a hippopotamus and again got no answer.

Finally, the lion met a mouse.

He asked the mouse,

“Tell me, why aren’t you as big, as strong, and as beautiful as I am?”

The mouse looked up at the lion and said,

“Well, I have been sick.”

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use as his house.

He took the box back home, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he knocked on the box and asked the centipede,

“Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time.”

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,

“How about going to church with me and receiving blessings?”

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

Finally, the guy decided to give the centipede one last chance.

This time he put his face right up against his pet’s house and shouted,

“Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Church with me and learn about God?”

This time, a rather annoyed little voice came out of the box,

“I heard you the first time! I’m putting my shoes on.”

A Scotsman went skiing in Canada for the first time.

At the end of a great day on the slopes, he retired to the local tavern.

After getting six whiskeys in him he stood up and turned around to discover a large, stuffed animal head with giant antlers hanging from the wall.

“Barkeep,” he said,

“what the hell is that?”

The bartender said,

“Oh, that’s a moose!”

The Scotsman bugged out his eyes and cried,

“Holy crap! How big are the cats?!”

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.

His three children were outside, still in their P.J.’s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard.

The door to his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room, the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilt on the counter, dog food was spilt on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife.

He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!

He found her lounging in the bedroom, still in her pyjamas, reading a novel.

She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked,

“What happened here today?”

She again smiled and answered,“you know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?”

“Yes”, he replied reluctantly.

She answered, “We’ll, today I didn’t do it!!”

An elderly snake went to the doctor and told him:

“Doc, my eyesight is so bad, I can’t see to hunt any more. I think I need a pair of glasses.”

So the doctor fixed the snake up with a pair of glasses and told him to come back if he still couldn’t manage.

Two weeks later, the snake was back in the doctor’s office.

“I’m depressed,” he complained.

“Why, what’s the problem?” asked the doctor.

“Haven’t the glasses helped?”

“The glasses are fine,” sighed the snake.

“But I’ve discovered that I’ve been living with a garden hose for the past three years.”