04/18/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17047
Grandpa was telling his young grandson what life was like when he was a boy.
“In the winter we’d ice skate on our pond. In the summer we could swim in the pond, and pick berries in the woods. We’d swing on an old tire my dad hung from a tree on a rope. And
we had a pony we rode all over the farm.”
The little boy was amazed,, and sat silently for a minute.
Finally, he said,
“Granddad, I wish I’d gotten to know you a lot sooner!”
04/17/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17043
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes.”
WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$90,000.” ;
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”
MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”
The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks,
“Anyone know who’s phone this is….
04/16/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17040
Two Hunters From Moscow Charter Fly To Siberia To Go, Bear Hunting.
On landing, the pilot says,
“Remember, this plane can only fly with two hunters, one pilot, and ONE bear.”
The hunters go out and return with two bears.
So the pilot says,
“I told you ONE bear!”
But the hunters point out that the previous year, on payment of an extra 100 rubles, the pilot had let them put two bears on board.
After long discussion centring on the impossibility of the thing and the disgraceful degree of inflation, the pilot takes 200 rubles and with much pushing and shoving the hunters get
aboard with the two bears.
After struggling into the air and fitfully flying for about two hours, the plane gives up and plummets to the earth in a snowbank.
Climbing out from under the snow and the bears, the hunters ask the pilot where he thinks they are.
The pilot says, “About the same place where we crashed last year.”
04/15/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17037
An Elderly Cowboy Slim Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church.
He said,
“When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral.”
Cowboy Slick said,
“You mean the parking lot?” Slick was a bit more worldly than Slim.
Slim said, “Then, I walked up the trail to the door.
Slick said, “You mean, the sidewalk to the door.
Slim said,
“Well, I guess. Once I was inside the door, I was met by this city-slicker dude.”
Slick growing frustrated said,
“Slim, that would be the usher.”
Slim nodded and said,
“Okay, well, the usher led me down the chute.”
Slick snarled and said, “You mean the aisle!”
Slim continued and said,
” Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there.”
Slick only responded with a one-word correction, “Pew!”
Slim said,
“Yeah, that’s what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.”
04/14/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17035
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and doing anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said
“I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude
and unforgivable behaviour.”
John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, up very softly,
“May I ask what the turkey did?”