08/19/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17449
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.
The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500.”
“Why does the parrot cost so much?” asks the customer.
The owner says, “Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research.”
The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.
Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000.
Needless to say, this aroused the question, “What can it do?”
To which the owner replies, “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner.”
08/18/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17446
On landing, the pilot says,
“Remember, this plane can only fly with two hunters, one pilot, and ONE bear.”
The hunters go out and return with two bears.
So the pilot says,
“I told you ONE bear!”
But the hunters point out that the previous year, on payment of an extra 100 rubles, the pilot had let them put two bears on board.
After long discussion centering on the impossibility of the thing and the disgraceful degree of inflation, the pilot takes 200 rubles and with much pushing and shoving the hunters get aboard with the two bears.
After struggling into the air and fitfully flying for about two hours, the plane gives up and plummets to the earth in a snowbank.
Climbing out from under the snow and the bears, the hunters ask the pilot where he thinks they are.
The pilot says, “About the same place where we crashed last year.”
08/17/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17444
An old man from Alabama moves to New York.
He walks into an “Everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.
He sits down, greets the manager, and shakes his hand.
The manager says,
“Do you have any sales experience?”
The man replies,
“Yes, I was a salesman back home in Alabama.”
They talk and get to know each other and the manager likes him so he gave him the job.
“You start tomorrow. I’ll come by after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough, but he pulled through it.
After the store closed, the manager came down just like he said,
“How many customers bought something from you today?”
The man replies, “One.”
The boss looks at him and shouts, “Just one!?
Our salespeople have an average of 20 to 30 customers per day! “.
“How much was the sale for!?”
The man replies “$121,237.65”
The boss was now shocked: “What did you sell?”
The man says, “First I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then a new fishing rod. So I asked him where he was going to fish and he said on the coast, so I told him he needed a good boat, we went down to that department, and he got a twin-engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull the boat, so I took him to the automotive department and sold him a truck.
Want better stock trading conditions?
The boss frowned and said,
“A man came here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck???”
The man replied,
“No, the guy actually came here to buy some t.a.m.p.o.n.s for his wife and I said, “Man, your weekend’s busted, might as well go fishing’.
The following day, the boss gave the old man a promotion…
08/16/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17438
A bald eagle decides to stop by a small lake to get a drink.
As he’s drinking another bald eagle lands next to him.
He looks at the eagle and notices a tulip, a rose, and a rabbit’s foot on top of his head.
“What’s with the stuff on your head?”, the eagle asks.
“Oh this?”, he points to his head with his wing,
“I’m trying hare in plants.”
08/15/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17433
Four older women are sitting around playing Bridge.
The first lady says,
“You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But, don’t worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long.”
The second Lady says,
“Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But don’t worry, I have never made a play for your husbands. They don’t interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long.”
“Well,” says the third lady,
“I, too, must confess something. I am a lesb!@n. But do not worry, I will not bother you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship.”
The fourth lady stands up, says,
“I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!