Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening.

They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.

The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave.

Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house.

They don’t want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird.

The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in.

The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn’t want the driver to know the house will be empty.

She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon.

“He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.

“Sorry I took so long,” he says, as they drive away.

“Stupid lady was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. “

The cab driver hit a parked car.

A couple were out doing some Christmas shopping together.

The shopping centre was packed, and as the wife emerged from a shoe and handbag shop, she was surprised to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

Irritated because they had a lot to do, she called his mobile to ask him where he was.

In a subdued voice he replied,

“Do you remember that jewellery store we went into a couple of years ago, where you fell in love with that beautiful diamond necklace that we couldn’t afford, and I promised that I would buy it for you one day?”

Barely able to contain her emotions and with tears already forming in her eyes, she said,

“Yes, of course I remember that shop.”

“Well, I’m in the pub next door to there.”

The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake.

He didn’t bring his swimming trunks, but who cared? He was all alone.

So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction.

He panicked, got out of the water, and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby.

He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.as they got closer.

The ladies looked at him and giggled.

Then one of the ladies said:

‘You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds.’

‘Impossible’, said the embarrassed man,

‘You really know what I think?’

‘Yes’, the lady replied,

‘Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you’re holding has a bottom.’

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park.

He was a widower and she a widow.

They had known one another for a number of years.

Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity centre.

These two were at the same table, across from one another.

As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her,

“Will you marry me?”

After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered.

“Yes. Yes, I will.”

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?”

He couldn’t remember.

Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.

With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained to her that he didn’t remember as well as he used to.

Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.

As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her,

“When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”

He was delighted to hear her say,

“Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”

Then she continued,

“And I am so glad that you called because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”

A man owns a rabbit farm and is known around the world for his rabbits who can lift more than any man.

A little boy asks him
“How do you keep your rabbits so strong?”

The man replies,
“It’s no secret.”

He pulls out a bottle of shampoo and says,
“Keeps your hares strong