Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Three house pets- a golden retriever, a parakeet, and a cat–

all die and go to heaven.

As with all the good animals, God decides to have a personal discussion with each one to see where they will stay in heaven.

God turns to the golden retriever and says

“The Book of Life indicates that you have been a very good boy. But tell me, in your own words, what are your ultimate principles? What do you believe in?”

The golden retriever says

“I believe in loyalty, companionship, and love. I have been a cherished part of my owner’s family for many years.”

God smiles. “Truly, you have a pure and loving heart. You shall sit at my right hand.”

He then turns to the parakeet. “What do you believe in?”

“I believe in colour, flamboyance, and music,” the parakeet says.

“For many years I have displayed my beautiful feathers and filled my owner’s house with a song.”

“Your beauty is truly magnificent,” God says.

“And your song shall echo through the universe. You shall sit at my left.”

God finally turns to the house cat.

“And you, majestic little predator, what do you believe in?”

The cat lazily surveys God’s throne and says,

“I believe you are sitting in my seat.”

Alan’s wife called him as he was at in the pub last night.

“I’ve cooked dinner,” she screamed,

“And if you’re not home within 20 minutes I’m going to feed it to the dog.”

“Woooah! That’s bang out of order!”

Alan said,

“It’s not his fault.”

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he’s lost.

Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.

The poodle thinks, “Oh, oh!”

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly,

“Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

“Whew!”, says the leopard,

“That was close! That poodle nearly had me!”

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from

the leopard.

So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says,

“Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!”

Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks,

“What am I going to do now?”, but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet and waits until they get

just close enough to hear.

“Where’s that damn monkey?” the poodle says,

“I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”

An old lady is turning 100.

She is in great health for her age and regularly walks to the market, post office and the bank with no problems.

Since she is living in a small town it is a big deal for the town.

On her birthday she is visited by the mayor who presents her with a badge honouring her as the oldest person in the town.

There is also the local TV station doing a report for the evening news about her.

The reporter asks her:

– What is your secret for a long and healthy life?
– It’s simple, – she says – never have I in my entire life argued with another person.
– That is impossible! – the reporter says.
– You’re right. – says the old lady.

Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, the pretty girl said,

“I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”

“Only one ki444$ per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk.

“That’s fine,” said the girl.

“I’ll take ten yards.”

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled,

“Grandpa will pay the bill.”