Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Three men pass away on Christmas Day and arrive at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter greets them and says, “You’re all sinners who should be sent to hell, but since it’s Christmas, I’ll give you a chance to enter heaven if you have something that represents the holiday.”

The first man pulls out a Christmas ornament and is allowed in.

The second man points to some pine needles stuck to his shirt and is also admitted.

The third man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of panties.

Peter, puzzled, asks, “How do those represent Christmas?”

The man grins and replies, “These are Carol’s.”

Johnny wanted to get his mom a special Christmas gift, but she was notoriously hard to shop for. As he walked past a pet store, he thought, “Maybe a pet would be a good idea.” Entering the store, he asked the manager for suggestions.

“How about a puppy?” the manager offered.

“No,” Johnny replied. “It might make a mess in the house.”

“A fish, perhaps?”

“No, her house is too small for an aquarium.”

Just then, Johnny noticed a parrot and asked, “What about that parrot?”

The manager smiled and said, “That’s Chet. He’s amazing but very expensive.”

Johnny thought for a moment and said, “It’s for my mom. Let’s check him out.”

The manager approached Chet, held a lighter under his left wing, and the parrot began singing, “Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells…” Then he moved the lighter under Chet’s right wing, and the bird sang, “Dashing through the snow…”

“Wow!” Johnny exclaimed. “What else can he sing?”

The manager brought the lighter closer to Chet’s crotch, and the parrot belted out, “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.”

It was Christmas Eve, and a woman returned home to her husband after a long day of shopping.

That night, as she got ready for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.

Curious, he asked, “What’s that?”

She replied, “I went to the tattoo parlor today. I got ‘Merry Christmas’ tattooed on the inside of one leg and ‘Happy New Year’ on the other.”

Confused, he asked, “Why would you do that?”

With a cheeky grin, she answered, “Now you can’t say there’s nothing to eat between Christmas and New Year’s!”

A local bar was so sure that its barman was the strongest man in the Village that they offered a standing £1000 bet.

The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out and challenge any man to squeeze out another drop.

Weightlifters, arm wrestlers, they all tried and lost the bet.

Then one day, a scrawny wee man, (if he stood sideways you would not see him) wearing scratched glasses, a ten-year-old polyester suit, walked in and said, “I’d like to take on the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the barman said, “Okay,” grabbed the lemon and squeezed away.

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the lemon rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the wee man clenched his little fist around the lemon and squeezed it, and a drop fell into the glass.

Then he squeezed some more, and another drop fell from the lemon.

Without a word, the wee man squeezed some more, and a third drop fell into the glass.

The crowd in the bar were astonished and speechless.

As the barman paid the £1000 bet, he asked, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a metal worker, a weight-lifter, or what?”

The little man quietly replied: “I’m a tax collector.”

Late one night, paramedics rushed Mr. Steinberg to the hospital, suspecting a massive heart attack.

The medical team worked tirelessly through the night and well into the morning, finally stabilizing him and moving him to the Intensive Care Unit for ongoing treatment.

After a few days of recovery, Mr. Steinberg’s doctor visited him with great news. “Sol, I’m thrilled to tell you that your heart is in remarkable shape—just like when you were 15! You’re being discharged tomorrow, and you can resume any physical activity you enjoy without worrying about your heart.”

Excited to return home, Mr. Steinberg eagerly shared the news with his wife that evening.

“Doris, you won’t believe this! I’m perfectly healthy. No heart problems whatsoever! Tonight, my darling, we’re going to have the most passionate, wild lovemaking you’ve ever experienced!”

Doris paused thoughtfully before responding. “I’m not so sure, Sol. I’ve heard about the risks of intense physical activity with heart conditions. If something happened to you, I’d feel awful. Maybe… if your doctor wrote me a note confirming it’s safe, I might consider it.”

Disheartened but determined, Mr. Steinberg visited his doctor the following day.

Dr. Katz cheerfully agreed. “Of course, Sol! I’ll write it up for you right now.” He scribbled on his prescription pad: ‘Mr. Sol Steinberg, my patient, is in excellent health with the heart function of a 15-year-old. He may engage in passionate, adventurous intimacy whenever he desires. Signed, Dr. Aaron Katz.’

As he prepared the note, the doctor asked, “By the way, Sol, what’s your wife’s name?”

After a brief hesitation, Mr. Steinberg replied sheepishly, “Uh, Doctor, could you just address it, ‘To Whom It May Concern’?”