Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Little Johnny and Billy are walking to the church for the Sunday prayer.

Billy wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying:

Little Johnny. “Why don’t you ask the Priest?”

So, Billy goes up to the Priest and asks.

“Father, may I smoke while I pray?”

The Priest replies.

“No, my son, you may not! That’s utter disrespect to our religion.”

Billy goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.

Little Johnny says.

“I’m not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try.”

And so Little Johnny goes up to the Priest and asks.

“Father, may I pray while I smoke?”

To which the Priest eagerly replies.

“By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to.”

Moral of the story:

The approval you want depends on the way you ask for it…

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.

The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired.

Holding hands, they walked back to their old school.

It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet.

Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.

There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said We’ve got to give it back.

Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money and knocked on their door.

Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?

Sally said, No.

Jerry said She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile

The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.

One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.

Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday …….

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, We’re outta here!

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones.

The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

The husband texted back to her:

“I’m on the toilet. Please advise.”

An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people.

One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy something.

“Well, my wife ain’t home, she’s gone down to the creek to wash clothes, but lemma see what you got,” said the man.

The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn’t interested.

Then the man spotted a mirror and said, “What’s that?”

Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said,

“My God how’d you get a picture of my Pappy?”

The old man was so happy, he traded his wife’s best pitcher for it.

The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.

The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.

He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the “picture” and eventually the wife got suspicious.

One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn.

She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said,

“so this is the hussy he’s been foolin’ around with!”

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says,

“Good morning Ma’am. What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?”)

“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.

“I’m sorry officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with s*x*@1 a$$$@u1t,” says the woman.

“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.

“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also think.