Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he’s lost.

Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.

The poodle thinks, “Uh, oh!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

“Whew!” says the leopard. “That was close! That poodle nearly had me!”

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.

So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!”

Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.

“Where’s that damn monkey?” the poodle says. “I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in s3x.

The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it’s still experimental.

He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, “Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn’t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!”

The doctor says, “I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.”

“Nah,” she says, “that’s okay. We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway.”

A child asked his father, “How were people born?”

So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”

The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”

His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”

A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, “At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about s3x.”

The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his s3x life.

When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, “Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting,” his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep.

The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, “I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?”

His mate said smiling, ‘Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!.”

The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, “Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick.”

A rabbit hops into a pub and asks the bartender, “Could I get a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?”

The bartender is taken aback but serves the rabbit his order. The rabbit enjoys his beer, devours the toastie, and then leaves.

The next night, the rabbit returns and once again requests a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Word has spread, and the pub is buzzing with curious patrons. The bartender serves the rabbit, who eats and drinks before heading out.

By the third night, the pub is packed to the brim. As the rabbit walks in and orders his usual, the crowd falls silent in anticipation. The bartender hands over the pint and toastie, and the room erupts in applause as the rabbit finishes his meal and exits.

On the fourth night, there’s standing room only. People have travelled from far and wide just to witness this unusual guest. The bartender is making more money in a week than he did all of last year.

But when the rabbit walks in and asks for his usual, the bartender’s face falls. “I’m sorry, my friend,” he says, “but we’re all out of Ham and

Cheese Toasties.”

The rabbit looks shocked, and the pub goes so quiet you could hear a pin drop. The bartender nervously offers, “But we do have a very nice

Cheese and Onion Toastie. I promise you’ll love it.”

The rabbit eyes him carefully. “Are you sure?” he asks.

With a grin, the bartender replies, “I wouldn’t steer you wrong. Trust me, you’ll love it.”

“Alright,” says the rabbit, “I’ll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.”

The pub bursts into cheers as the rabbit enjoys his meal, waves to the crowd, and leaves… never to return.

A year later, the pub is in decline. The bartender, who has only served a handful of drinks that night—most of them to himself—calls last orders.

As he’s cleaning up, he notices a small white figure hovering above the bar.

“Who are you?” he asks.

“I’m the ghost of the rabbit who used to visit your pub,” comes the reply.

The bartender’s eyes widen. “I remember you! You made this place famous. Every night, you’d come in for a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese

Toastie. People came from miles around just to see you.”

“Yes,” the rabbit says. “But I also remember that last night when you ran out of Ham and Cheese Toasties. You gave me a Cheese and Onion Toastie instead.”

“That’s right,” the bartender recalls. “But then you never came back. What happened?”

“I died,” says the rabbit.

The bartender gasps. “No! How?”

The rabbit pauses before replying, “Mixin’ me toasties.”