Daily Joke: Jokes Library

One day, a gentleman’s wife is planning on hosting a dinner party and wants to class it up a bit,
so she sends her husband out to pick up some snails for escargot.

He picks up the snails and starts heading home, but on the way, the gentleman runs into an old friend and stops to chat for a minute.

The two get to chatting and the friend suggests,

“Wanna grab a pint?”

To which the man replies,

“No, I should really be getting back, my wife’ll be pissed if I’m late for her dinner.”

So after some more minor prodding the man, of course, goes out for the one, snails in hand.

The fellas get to drinking and lose track of time, drinking into the night until the man looks up at the clock and realizes,

“Oops! I’m 4 hours late for the darn dinner!”

So he snatches up his bag of snails and tears down the street to home.

As the man starts up his walk, stumbling and plastered, he trips on the front steps, raising a cacophony of sound and alerting his wife to his beleaguered presence.

She slams open the door, looks down at the drunk, and darn near explodes.

“Where the hell have you been?! You’re four hours late for dinner! Explain yourself, ya drunk bastard!”

The man, knowing he’s screwed and looking down at his sad state and the snails scattered all about, decides to take the chance.

Raising his fist and adopting a motivational tone, he says with a dare,

“Five feet more lads, we’re almost there!”

It was Sunday and the preacher has just finished an inspiring church service when Rick,

The wealthiest man in town, stood up and asked to address the congregation.

The preacher wasn’t surprised at this.

“Just make it quick, Rick.” He sighs.

“Sure Father.” Said Rick.

He cleared his throat and addressed the audience:

“I can still recall the day when I earned my first dollar,” he began.

“That same evening, I attended a church meeting where the speaker talked about his humanitarian efforts.

At that moment, I had only that single dollar to my name, and I had to make a tough decision: give it to the speaker’s cause or keep it for myself.

“I chose to donate it all, and I truly believe that God blessed that decision, which is why I am a millionaire today.”he finished, a tear gleaming in his eye.

“Oh yea?” an old woman in the audience stood up,

“I dare you to do it again!”

Lying on his deathbed, an elderly man made his final request to his wife:

“Honey, I’m almost out of time and there’s something I’d like you to do for me when I’m gone.”

She nodded her head and said,

You can count on me. Anything you ask, I’ll make sure it’s done.”

“I want you to wed my buddy, Jacob,” he said, his voice filled with emotion.

Astonished, his wife replied,

“Jacob? But I thought you couldn’t stand him!”

He smiled and looked into her eyes as he answered,

“That’s precisely why…”

A bear walks into a bar.

The bartender is extremely busy and looks tired.

He eventually makes his way over to the bear.

The bear immediately tells him,

“You look exhausted.”

“Yeah, it’s been a rough day,” says the bartender,

“What are you drinking?”

“I’ll have a glass of…” says the bear. He waits a painfully long moment before adding “… scotch.”

“Why the long face?” asks the bartender.

“Don’t you mean “big pause”?” asks the bear.

“Yeah, sorry.” Sighs the Bartender.

“Like I said, it’s been a rough day.”

A man, a squirrel, and 2 bees are going on a road trip.

On the road, they run out of gas so the man pulls over.

One of the bees says,

“Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.”

It works until they run out of gas again.

The second bee steps up and says,

“Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.”

It works, until they run out of gas for the third time.

This time the squirrel chimes in and says,

“Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.”

But the man says,

“Don’t bother, she only runs on BP.”