Daily Joke: Jokes Library

It’s demob time in the army, and as things have gone so well there’s a new wheeze.

“Every retiring soldier is entitled to a bonus,” says the captain.

“You’ll be awarded £10 for every centimetre measured between the two body parts of your choice.

Private, you’re first.”

“I’ll have it measured from my feet to the top of my head,” he says.

Out comes the tape, and it comes to 175cm, so he leaves £1750 richer.

“Corporal?”

The corporal’s a lanky guy, so he chooses to be measured from the tip of one outstretched hand to the other.

A few minutes later he’s £1830 to the good.

“Right, sergeant, you’re the last.”

“I’ll take it as the distance from my left eye to my right eye.”

“You sure?”

“Absolutely.”

He takes off his sunglasses and the captain steps up.

“Hang on, sergeant, where’s your right eye?”

“I left it at the battle of Jebel Akhbar,” the sergeant says.

“I’ll take a cheque.”

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you SOB’s who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop!

And all of you SOB’s who are getting on, get your backsides on the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”

The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house.

Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS.

When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.

We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.

We hope you will ride with us again soon.”

She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.

Remember, there is no smoking on the train.

We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”

As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are cheesed off about the two hour delay, please see the b***h in the kitchen.”

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says,

“Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football there.”

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,

” Mike, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him,

“Mike–Mike.”

“Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Mike–it’s me, Joe.”

“You’re not Joe. Joe just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe,” insists the voice.”

“Joe! Where are you?”

“In heaven”, replies Joe. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” says Mike.

“The good news,” Joe says,”

is that there’s football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want,

and we never get tired.”
That’s fantastic,” says Mike.

“It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?

“You’re in the team for this Saturday’s match !!!”

A couple lives outside Buffalo and is used to preparing for large snowstorms.

One of the preparations for many years has been tuning in to the local radio station at 6:00 the night before a storm for an important announcement.

On a typical pre-storm night, the wife would tune in just prior to 6 to hear a message about which side of the street cars was to be parked on.

For the first storm of the winter, she tuned in as usual and heard the following message:

“Urgent impending storm update: in order to accommodate snow ploughs, please park cars on the side of the street with odd-numbered houses. Thank you.”

So she put on her coat, hurried outside, started the car, and moved it to the correct side of the street the radio announcer had instructed.

Three days later, another storm was imminent, so the wife tuned in, as usual, this time coat in hand, prepared to learn where her car needed to go.

Then came the moment she was waiting for:

“Update for the incoming snowstorm: for our snowploughs to efficiently clear the roads, please make sure to park your cars…”

It was at this moment that static cut through.

The wife sat on the edge of her seat, hoping to hear this important news.

But the only other words she heard from the announcement were the final two words: “Thank you.”

She turned to her husband, frantic.

“What should I do? I don’t know where to park the car! How do I find out which side of the street to park on?”

Her husband leaned back, sighed, and took a sip of coffee.

“Honey,” he said,
“maybe you should leave the car in the driveway tonight.”

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather

Service, and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”

“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,” the Meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

One week later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Is it going to be a very cold winter?” he asked.

“Yes,” the man at the National Weather Service again replied, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.”

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”

“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It looks like it’s going to be one of the coldest winters ever.”

“How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.”