Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Three Iphone engineers and three Android engineers are about to board a train to a computer conference. The Android engineers notice that the Iphone engineers bought only one ticket between them. The Android engineers ask the Iphone engineers how they plan on getting to the conference. “Watch and learn,” one of the Iphone engineers tells them.

As soon as the train leaves the station, the three Iphone engineers rush from their seats and all squeeze into one restroom. When the conductor comes through the car he knocks on the restroom door and says “ticket please!” The door opens a crack and the one ticket is handed to the conductor. The Android engineers are impressed, and decide that’s what they will do on the trip back.

Then on the return trip, the Android engineers notice that the Iphone engineers haven’t bought any tickets. “How do you plan on getting home without any tickets?” they ask. “Watch and learn,” one of the Iphone engineers tells them.

As soon as the train leaves the station, the three Android engineers hurry for the restroom. A few moments later, one of the Iphone engineers gets up from his seat, knocks on the restroom door and says, “ticket please!”

Mike was obsessed with his new fitness tracker. It told him how many steps he took, how many calories he burned, and even how many times he blinked.

One day, his wife, Susan, asked him, “How many steps did you take today?”

Mike looked at his tracker and proudly said, “17,000!”

Susan rolled her eyes. “Wow, that’s impressive. Did you walk to the fridge 17,000 times?”

Mike paused. “Well… I did have to walk to the bathroom a few times, so maybe that’s it.”

Later that evening, the tracker buzzed. It said, “You’re 10,000 steps behind your daily goal.”

Mike sighed. “Great, now even my gadgets are judging me.”

Susan winked and said, “Don’t worry, honey. Maybe tomorrow you’ll get your steps in—if you can find the remote before it’s time for bed.”

A guy came back to his beloved BMW, only to discover the front end looked like it had lost a fight with a concrete wall—specifically, the headlights were shattered and the bumper was more crumpled than a rejected job application. There was no trace of the culprit vehicle, but hope flickered in his chest like a struggling flashlight battery when he spotted a note under the windshield wiper.

The note said:

“Oops, I just backed into your car! The people watching are all nodding and smiling right now, thinking I’m being responsible and leaving my details. But surprise! I’m not. You’ve got yourself a ghost in the machine, my friend. Best of luck!”

It was less of an apology and more of a taunting masterpiece.

A little boy came sprinting out of the bathroom, bawling his eyes out.

His dad rushed over and asked, “Whoa, what’s wrong, buddy?”

Sniffling, the kid wailed, “I dropped my toothbrush in the toilet!”

The dad sighed, “Alright, calm down. We’ll just toss it and get a new one.”

So he bravely fished the toothbrush out of the toilet (with a heroic grimace) and tossed it into the trash. When he walked back into the bathroom, he found the boy holding another toothbrush.

Dad squinted and said, “Wait a second… isn’t that my toothbrush?”

The boy nodded solemnly and whispered,
“Yeah… and we should probably throw this one out too… because it fell in the toilet four days ago .”

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

Mother: “What does the cow say?”

Child: “Moo!”

Mother: “Great! What does the cat say?”

Child: “Meow.”

Mother: “Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?”

And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, “Bud.”