Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America… do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America… do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America… do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won’t miss a call from someone they didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America… do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America… do they use the word “politics” to describe the process so well; “Poli” in Latin meaning “many” and “tics” meaning “bloodsucking creatures”.

Only in America… do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

One day a man went to a pet store and bought a hundred-legged worm. The sales person told him about this worm. It was not a normal worm. This worm could do anything as a maid.

When they were home, the man asked the worm to turn on the T.V. So the worm turned it on. Then he asked him to prepare him some coffee. So the worm did it. The man told him to go buy the newspaper. So the worm went out of the house to buy the newspaper.

An hour passed and still the worm didn’t come. Another hour passed and the worm had still not come back. So finally the man stood up and opened the front door.

“So, there you are,” the man said looking at the worm, “have you bought the newspaper?”

“Sorry, sir,” answered the worm, “I haven’t finished putting on my shoes.”

A beautiful, sexy, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane…… The lady said to him “Can you help me remove something from my breast please?”

‘The exciting young man replied, “Wow! It will be my pleasure……. So what is it?”

“Your Eyes, idiot!”

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs “give me your money,” he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, “you can’t do this – I am a United States congressman!”

“In that case,” replied the mugger, “give me MY money.”

Mother asks little Johnny, as they wait for the bus, to tell the driver he is 4 years old when asked because he will ride for free.

As they get into the bus the driver asks Johnny how old he was. “I am 4 years old”.

“And when will you be six years old?” asks the driver.

“When I get off the bus” answers Johnny.