Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A girl was given a tea set for her second birthday. It became one of he favorite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for her sick aunt, the toddler loved to take her father a little cup of tea, which was just water really, while he was engrossed watching the news on TV.

He sipped each “cup of tea” he was brought and lavished generous praise on the taste, leaving the little girl immensely proud.

Eventually the mother returned home and the father couldn’t wait to show her how his little princess had been looking after him. On cue, the girl took him his “cup of tea” and he sipped it before praising it to the heavens.

The mother watched him drink it and said: “Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?”

After 25 years of marriage, a husband took a long look at his wife one day and said:

“Twenty-five years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, and I slept on a sofa bed, but I got to sleep every night with a sexy twenty-six year old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, a nice car and a big bed, but I’m sleeping with a fifty-one year old woman.

It seems that you’re not pulling your weight.”

She replied calmly: “Then why don’t you go out and find a sexy twenty-six year old blonde?

And when you do, I’ll make sure once again that you’ll be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.”

Four people are in an airplane, the pilot, the smartest man in the world, the richest man in the world, and a punk teenager.

The airplane experiences some difficulties, and the pilot informs the three passengers that the plane is going to crash, and there are only three parachutes on the plane.

The richest man in the world takes one, because he says that his lawyers will sue everyone else on the plane if he doesn’t survive.

The smartest man in the world takes a parachute, because he thinks that the world would be a worse place without him.

The pilot says to the punk “There’s only one parachute left, I’ll fight you for it.”

“That won’t be necessary,” said the punk, “The smartest man in the world took my backpack.”

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.

The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, “Oh, that’s actually better.” The husband says he can’t feel anything.

Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn’t hurt nearly as much. The husband says he sill can’t feel anything.

The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can’t feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born.

The couple goes home only to find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.

Yesterday at a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.

“Nervous?” asked the interviewer.

I replied, “No, I always give 110%.”