Daily Joke: Jokes Library

My wife had mentioned several times that she hoped I could get our grass mowed this weekend. Well, I procrastinated a bit too long and while I was watching football on TV, there was a 37 yard pass with a spectacular catch for a go ahead touchdown.

I jumped up and shouted, “Oh my GOSH! Did you see that?!?!”

And my wife said, “Yes, I see… what a lovely lawn they have.”

My wife has been stressing the importance of punctuality to me recently. I made a point of picking her up early at the bridge club for the first time today.

You should have seen the shocked looks of the faces of the ladies when they found out I’m alive. Apparently my wife has been referring to me as her late husband.

A boy met a girl….

Girl: Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place.

Boy (smiling): Why thank you… are you single?

Girl: No, I am a dentist.

When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. Her 4-year-old son overheard some of his parents private conversations.

One day, when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping, a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

“Yes!” the 4-year-old said, “and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it’s a girl we’re going to call her Christina, and if it’s another boy we’re going to call it quits!”

Due to a power outage, the house was very dark. The paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

After little Connor was born, the paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on the bottom. He began to cry.

The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. She quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place, spank him again!”