Daily Joke: Jokes Library

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

“It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”

He yelled back, “Just do it!”

A man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”

“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”

“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

My three hundred plus pound of a grandfather loves to do karaoke. One night he was really into some heavy metal rock and roll song, even doing an air guitar routine.

Well, after he was done a young fellow came up to him and said, “You are a hip old dude!”

My grandfather snapped back, “Who you callin’ a hippo – dude?!?!”

I was checking out at the busy super market, and the cashier was having problems. The register ran out of paper, the scanner malfunctioned, and finally the cashier spilled a handful of coins. When she totaled my order, it came to exactly $22.

Trying to soothe her nerves, I said, “That’s a nice round figure.”

Still frazzled, she glared at me and said, “You’re no bean pole yourself.”

The conductor of the Detroit Symphony Orchestra was having an issue with the percussion section. During rehearsals, it seems they were having a major problem keeping the proper beat, and the conductor was getting madder by the moment.

“Uh oh,” one of the drummers remarked. “I think he’s ready to blow.”

“You’re right,” said the cymbal player. “It looks like we’re in for a real tempo tantrum!”