Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!”

He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife… “Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks

“No, I did not, it’s 3am in the morning and it’s bloomin’ well pouring with rain out there!”

“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! “God loves drunk people too you know.”

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here… on the swing,” replied the drunk.

It was Valentine’s day and Jim and Danielle’s first date.  They sat in the darkened cinema waiting for the film to start. 

The screen finally lit up with a flashy advertisement for the cinema’s concession stand.  Jim and Danielle realised that there was no sound. The film began but the silence continued.

Suddenly, out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd loudly shouted’, Okay, who’s got the remote control?’

Bugs Bunny was shopping at the supermarket and a sales assistant said to him: “If you can tell me what 19,866 times 10,543 is, we’ll give you free carrots for life.”

Immediately, Bugs responded: “209,447,238”.

The sales assistant was astonished and asked: “How on earth did you do that?”

Bugs replied: “If there’s one thing rabbits are good at, it’s multiplying.”

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.  Interested in what the youngster was up to, he asked in his friendliest way, “What are you up to, Nancy?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor commented, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied… “That’s because he’s inside your lousy cat.”

A man was driving along the motorway when he saw two penguins standing in the hard shoulder. They looked lost, so he picked them up and put them in the back seat of his car. He then goes to the petrol station to fill up and whilst he is there the attendant notices the penguins in the back seat.

He says to the man, “What are those two penguins doing in the back of your car?”

The man says, “I found them on the road and they looked lost, so I picked them up”

“You should take them to the zoo,” replied the attendant.

“What a good idea,” said the man, and then paid for his petrol and drove off.

The next day he went to the same petrol station and the same attendant serves him and notices the penguins are still in the car. He says to the man, “I thought I told you to take them to the zoo?”

The man replies, “I did… they loved it… and now I’m going to take them to the movies!”