Daily Joke: Jokes Library

An old Native American wanted a loan for $500. 

The banker pulled out the loan application.
“What are you going to do with the money?” he asks the Indian.

“Buy Silver, make jewelry, and sell it,” was the response.

“What have you got for collateral?”

“Don’t know collateral,” replied the Indian

“Well that’s something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. 
“Have you got any vehicles?”

“Yes.  1949 Chevy pickup,” replied the Indian

The banker shook his head, “How about livestock?”

“Yes, I have a horse,” replied the Indian

“How old is it?” the banker asks.

“Don’t know, has no teeth,” replies the Indian

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. 
He pulled out a roll of bills, “Here to pay.” he said. 
He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.

“What are you going to do with the rest of that money?” the banker asks.

“Put in hogan”, replied the Indian

“Why don’t you deposit it in my bank,” the banker asked.

“Don’t know deposit,” replied the Indian

“You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. 
Whenever you want to use it, you can withdraw it.”

The old Indian leaned across the desk and asks the banker…
“What you got for collateral?”

A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted. The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife.

“Fetch the Bible,” he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner. “Now find Psalm 23,” he commanded. The dog placed the Bible on the floor and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog.

That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed. One man asked, “Can he do regular dog tricks, too?”

“I haven’t tried yet,” the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the dog. “HEEL!” the pastor commanded.

The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor’s forehead and began to howl.

The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, “Good Lord! He’s Pentecostal!!!”

One day while walking downtown, a Human Resources woman was hit by a bus and was tragically killed. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

“Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had an HR manager make it this far and we’re really not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” said the woman.

“Well, I’d like to, but I have higher orders. What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in,” the Saint replied.

“Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind… I prefer to stay in Heaven.”

“Sorry, we have our rules…”

And with that St. Peter put the HR manager in an elevator and it went down-down-down to Hell. The doors opened and the HR manager found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends – fellow HR professionals that she had worked with. They were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. The HR manager was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates where St. Peter was waiting for her.

“Now it’s time to spend a day in Heaven” he said. So the HR manager spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it, her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

“So, you’ve spent a day in Hell and you’ve spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,” he said.

The HR manager paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I never thought I’d say this. I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.”

So, St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the HR manager went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up garbage and putting it in sacks for the evening meal. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her and laughed at her.

“I don’t understand,” stammered the HR manager. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”

The Devil looked at her and grinned: “That’s because yesterday we were recruiting you… but today you’re staff.”

A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor, “stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.” Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?”

No response. So, the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

Again, there is no response.

So, he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

“Clyde, for the fifth time… CHICKEN!”

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, “You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here andyou should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”

Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”

Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages that it indeed says… “HEBREWS”