Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Have you ever been a victim of a JIB (job interview breakdown)?  These men and women have:

• “I was so nervous at a job interview, when he asked me what I wanted to be in five years, I said, ‘Race car driver.’”

• “The guy asked me to tell him a little about myself, and I literally forgot who I was.”

• “I got asked about punctuality.  I went on about how it was good so speak clearly and politely, and  it was nice to use proper grammar in speech and writing.”

I’d never had surgery, and I was nervous. “This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure,” the anesthesiologist reassured me.

I felt better, until … “Heck,” he continued, “you have 
a better chance of dying from the 
anesthesia than the surgery itself.”

The Trump Family is flying from New York to DC when Donald looks down on the cities below and says ” I think I’ll throw a $1000 bill out the window and make some American happy.”

Melania says “Oh, honey why not throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make 10 Americans happy?”

So then Ivanka says “Even better daddy throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 people happy?” 

To which the pilot says “Why don’t you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?

An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, “You Australian folk eat the whole bread?”

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, “Of course.”

The American blew a huge bubble. “We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia.”

The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted. “Do you eat jam with the bread?” Sighing, the Australian replied, “Of course.” Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, “We don’t. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia.”

The Australian then asked, “Do you have sex in the States?”

The American smiled and said, “Why of course we do.”

The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, “And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?”

“We throw them away, of course.”

Now it was the Australian’s turn to smile. “We don’t. In Australia we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States.”

Why do you think it’s called Wrigley’s

A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first cleaning and check-up. The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but no re-sponse. After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check.

The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well: “How old are you?” No response. The dentist then asked: “Don’t you know how old you are?” Immediately four tiny fingers went up.

“Oh,” replied the dentist, “and do you know how old that is?” Four little fingers went up once again. Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked: “Can you talk?”

The solemn little patient looked at him and asked: “Yes! And can you count?”