Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A psychiatrist met an old patient and exclaimed, “I heard you died.”

“But you see I’m alive,” smiled the ex-patient.

“Impossible,” said the psychiatrist. “I was told you’d died by a colleague who’s had 22 peer-reviewed papers published, so his opinion’s bound to be much more reliable than yours.”

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the shepherd, “If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?”

The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies, “Okay.”

The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Website, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms and pivot
tables. He then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer, turns to the shepherd and says, ‘’You have exactly 1,586 sheep.”

The shepherd cheers, “That’s correct, you can have your choicest sheep from the herd.”

The young man takes one of the animals which he likes most and cute from the flock and puts it in the back of his Porsche. The shepherd looks at him and asks, “If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?”

The young man laughed and answers, “Yes, why not?”

The shepherd says, “You are an auditor.”

“How did you know?” asks the young man.

“Very simple,” answers the shepherd.

” First, you came here without being wanted. Secondly, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew. Thirdly, you don’t understand anything about my business… now can I have my DOG back?”

Lady (to her doctor): “What l am worried about is my height and not my weight.”

Doctor: “How come?”

Lady: “According to my weight, my height should be 7 feet, 8 inches.”

A rancher was minding his own business when an FBI agent came up up to him and said, “We got a tip that you may be growing illegal drugs on the premises. Do you mind if I take a look around?”

The old rancher replied, “That’s fine, you shouldn’t go over there though.” As he pointed at one of his fields.

The FBI agent snapped at him, “I’m am a federal agent! I can go wherever I want!” With that he pulled out his badge and shoved it into the ranchers face.

The rancher shrugged this off and continued with his daily chores. About 15 minutes later he heard a loud scream from the field he had pointed out earlier. All of a sudden he could see the FBI agent sprinting towards him with a large bull on his heels.

The rancher rushed to the fence and yelled, “Your badge! Show your badge to the bull!”

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a sheep walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes.

He took the precious book out of the sheep’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!”

“Not really,” said the sheep. “Your name is written inside the cover.”