Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Congress said, “Someone may steal from it at night.” So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?” So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?” So they created the Quality Control Department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?” So they created a time keeper and a payroll officer position, then hired two people for the roles.

Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?” So they created an administrative section and hired three people: An Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cut back on overall cost.”

So they laid off the night watchman.

Five Scotsmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: “It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four.”

“Quattro is just the name of the automobile,” the Scotsmen retort in disbelief. “Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons.”

“You cannot pull that one on me,” replies Paddy.

“Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.”

The Scotsmen reply angrily, “You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!”

“Sorry,” responds Paddy, “Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.”

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother pitches a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager yells back: “Loosen up, Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!” and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She lets her grandmother know that she has friends coming over shortly, and that it’s just not appropriate…

The grandmother says: “Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets.”

During a recent outing in New Orleans, a woman snuck off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the fortune teller’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked,

“Will I be acquitted?”

A young woman visits her parents and brings her fiancée to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find out about the young man.

The father invites the fiancée to his library for a drink. “So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man.

“I am a Torah scholar,” he says. “A Torah scholar? Hmmm,” the father says.

“Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?”

“I will study,” the young man said, “and God will provide for us.”

“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father.

“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies. “God will provide for us.”

“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?”

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiancée.

The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insist that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks: “How did it go, Honey?”

The father answers: “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”