Daily Joke: Jokes Library

On the first day God created the dog. God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years.” The dog said, “That’s too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten.”

So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey. God said, “Entertain people, do monkey tricks and make them laugh. I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.” The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? I don’t think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that’s what I’ll do too, okay?”

And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow. “You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I’ll give back the other forty.”

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I’ll give you twenty years.”

Man said, “What? Only twenty years? Tell you what, I’ll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?”

Okay,” said God, “You’ve got a deal.”

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick  with a fever.  She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication.
 
She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.  She didn’t know  what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.
 
The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse.  She said, “You might find a coat  hanger and use that to open the door.”
 
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the  ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car.
 
She looked at the hanger and said, “I don’t know how to use this.”
 
She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes a beat up old  motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker  skull rag on his head.
 
The woman thought, “This is what you sent to help me?”  But, she was desperate, so  she was also very thankful.
 
The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.  She said, “Yes, my daughter  is very sick.  I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car.
 
I must get home to her.  Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?
 
He said, “Sure.”  He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.
 
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, “Thank You So Much! You are a  very nice man.”
 
The man replied, “Lady, I am not a nice man.  I just got out of prison today.  I was in prison  for car theft and have only been out for about an hour.”
 
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, “Oh, thank you, God!  You even sent me a Professional!”

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, ‘I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’ and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn’t work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

‘Yes,’ he informs the couple, ‘you can get married in Heaven.’

‘Great!’ said the couple, ‘But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?’

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. ‘What’s wrong?’ asked the frightened couple.

‘OH, COME ON!’, St. Peter shouted, ‘It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?

An airline’s passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came Swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, “Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.”

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn’t moved a muscle. “Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.”

She calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one.”

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, “Well sweet-cheeks, in my country I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch.”

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: “You can’t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.”
The guy says OK, and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they’re all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?” The guy replies: “I did . . . today I’m taking them to the beach!”