Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, “You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window.”

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second guy says, “What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen.” “No, it’s true,” said the first man, let me prove it to you.” He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. “You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke.”

“No, I’ll prove it again,” says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.

Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. “Well, what the hey,” the second guy says, “it works, I’ll try it!” He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors …and hits the sidewalk with a ‘splat.’ Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying “You know, Superman, sometimes you can be a real jerk.”

It was after pizza night Tuesday when my son Greg came up to tell me there was “something very wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying on a rock looking sick,” he told me. “DAD! I’m very serious. Can you help?”

So I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed Greg to his room. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I called, “come look at Greg’s lizard!”

“Oh, my goodness!” my wife said. “She’s having babies!!!”

“What? Wait…” my son demanded. “But their names are Batman and Robin, Mom!”

I was equally outraged. “Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,” I said to my wife.

“Well Sweetie, what do you suppose me to do, post a sign in their cage?” she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).

“No, but you were supposed to get two boys Honey!” I reminded her, (in my most loving, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

“Yeah, Batman and Robin!” my son agreed.

“Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,” she informed me again with the sarcasm!
By now the whole family had gathered in Greg’s room to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

“Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,” I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.”
“Ewwwww, gross!” they shrieked.

“Well, isn’t this just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?” my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

“We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted.

“It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified.

“DAD! Do something!” my son shouted.

“Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

“Dad should I call 911?” my eldest daughter Whitney wanted to know “Maybe they could talk us through the trauma” (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

“Let’s get Robin to the vet,” I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

“Breathe, Robin, please breathe,” he urged.

“I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for Gosh sake.)

The vet took Robin back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
“What do you think, Doc, a C-section needed?” I suggested scientifically.

“Oh, very interesting, ” he murmured. “Mr. And Mrs. Connor, may I please speak to you privately for a moment?”
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

“Is Robin going to be okay doc?” my wife asked.

“Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us. “This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen . . . Robin is a boy. You see, Robin is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . . Um . Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.” He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this. “So, Robin is just . . . Just ….ummm… Excited,” my wife offered.
“Exactly,” the vet replied, very relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my cruel wife started to giggle. And she giggled some more. And then even laugh out loudly.
“What’s so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. “It’s just . . . That . . I’m picturing you pulling on its . its . . teeny little . .” She gasped for more air between laughs once more.

“That’s enough,” I warned her. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

“I know Robin’s really thankful for what you did, Dad,” my son told me.

“Oh, you have NO idea,” my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $100.

One cage: $60

Trip to the vet: $40.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s winkie: Priceless.

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”

The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”

The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”

The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”

The first kid says, “A circumcision.”

And the second kid says, “Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born… Couldn’t walk for a year.

For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you will enjoy this. For those of you not old enough, you will see what you missed. Either way, his humor was always clean, and he was a great entertainer. A rerun of great one liner’s from the man who was known for his clean humor. I hope you get
a chuckle or two reading them once more.

RED SKELTON’S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. She said… ‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said ‘There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!’ So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, ‘In the lake.’

8. She got a mud-pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, ‘Am I too late for the garbage?’ The driver said, ‘No, jump in!’

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

12. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, ‘What’s on the TV?’ I said, ‘Dust!’

Can’t you just hear him say all of these? I love it. These were the good old days when humor didn’t have to start with a four letter word… It was just clean and simple fun.

A Canadian man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and quietly said, “Your barracks door is open.”

Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled by her comment. When he was about done shopping, a man passed and said out of the corner of his mouth, “Your fly’s open.”

Being a good fellow, he zipped it up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he decided to intentionally get into the line where the lady was, who had told him about his barracks door. He was planning to have a little fun with her.

When he reached the check-out counter he said, “When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing at attention?”

The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, “No, actually I didn’t. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.”