Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn’t get a clear picture of the problems. Finally he asked, “Do you ever watch your girlfriend’s face while you’re having sex?”

“Well, yes, I did once.”

“And how did she look?”

“Oh boy, she looked very angry!”

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere.

“Well that’s very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend’s face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?”

“She was watching us through the window.”

Nearing the end of a hard life, old Ed was surrounded by his loved ones. As he sensed his final moment was approaching, he gathered all his strength and whispered:

“I must tell you my greatest secret.”

His family members were all ears, and urged him to go on.

“Before I got married, I had it all,” explained Ed.

“Fast cars, cute girls, and plenty of money. But a good friend warned me..

…‘Get married and start a family. Otherwise, no-one will be there to give you a glass of water to drink when you’re on your deathbed.’

“So I took his advice. I traded the girls for a wife, beer for baby food. I sold my Ferrari and invested in college funds. And now here we are…

“And you know what?”

“What?” Whispered the fascinated members of his family.

“I’m not even thirsty!”

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, “now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this ‘Pretzel’ hold he has, whatever you do don’t let him get you in this hold! If he does, you’re finished!”

The wrestler nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the American collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, “how did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”

The wrestler answered,”well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw his genitals right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.”

“So, the trainer exclaimed, ‘that is what finished him off?!”

“Not really. You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own junk.”

A young woman was preparing for her wedding.

She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.

Well, Mom forgot until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.

After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.

While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, “Oh no! It’s short, pink, and wrinkled!”

Then her groom cried out, “I told you not to peek!”

They tell of a very rich and smart man who lived many years ago in a city far away. He had a big family – a wife, children and grandchildren – and was beloved by all. He was generous to his family and friends.

One day his wife passed away and he was left alone in his house. After the mourning period, his children came to him and said he shouldn’t live all alone in the big house.

“Sell your house and possessions,” they said. “Give it to us and you can live at the elder son’s house, and will never want for anything.”

The man agreed, sold all he had and divided it between his children, moving to the son’s house.

At first, he needed for nothing, and his children visited him often. But slowly, the children and grandchildren stopped showing. At his elder son’s house he became resentful, he often had no food, his clothes weren’t fixed properly, and he was ashamed to walk outside in them.

One day, the old man said to his son, “gather everyone and the mayor, I have something to tell you.”

When everyone gathered, the man said: “I have told you I sold everything, but that wasn’t the truth. I still have a suitcase filled with gold and jewelry. Since my day is coming fast, I want you to have it. It is locked with two keys, one I will give the mayor and the other my elder son. It’s buried under the big tree in front of our old house, and when I am dead you can open the suitcase and divide what is in there.”

Everyone was very excited to hear this, and from that day the man wanted for nothing again, surrounded by children and given food, clothes, and money. He lived the rest of his life in peace.

After his death, his family gathered around the big tree as the men began digging. And indeed they found the big suitcase, and with great ceremony opened it with the two keys.

But inside, all they found was the edge of a donkey’s tail and an envelope. The envelope contained a letter with only one line.

“Only an ass gives everything away too soon.”