Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. “Come now,” coaxed the doctor, “you’ve been seeing me for years! There’s nothing you can’t tell me.”

“This one’s kind of strange…”

“Let me be the judge of that,” the doctor replied.

“Well,” she said, “yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.”

“I see.”

“That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl.”

“Uh-huh”

“That night,” she went on, “there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You’ve got to tell me what’s wrong with me!,” she implored, “I’m scared out of my wits!”

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. “There, there, it’s nothing to be scared about.”

“You’re simply going through the change.”

This is a story about the girl that didn’t know what cursing was. It was Thanksgiving evening and the young girl was sleeping in her bedroom and she heard her parents having sex in the next bedroom over.

She hears the dad say, “oh honey I love your luscious tits” and she hears the mom say, “oh baby I love your slim dick”.

So the next morning, the daughter walks up to the dad and says, “Hey dad, what are luscious tits?” the dad panics and says, “It’s a fine coat”.

She then walks up to the mom and says, “Hey mom, what’s a slim dick?”. The mom panics and says, “It’s a pair of boots”.

Later on that day, everybody’s getting ready for the Holiday. The girl walks past the bathroom and sees her dad shaving. He cuts himself on the cheek and shouts, “Shit!”.

The daughter then asks,”What does shit mean” and the dad replies, “I’m shaving right now sweety”.

The girl walks into the kitchen and sees her mom trying to cook the turkey.

The mom accidentally drops the turkey and shouts, “Fuck”.

The daughter then asks, “hey mom, what does f*ck mean” and the mom replies, “I’m cooking the turkey sweety”.

About an hour later friends and family arrive at the door.

The girl answers the door and says, “Hello everyone hang up your luscious tits and drop your slim dicks, my dad is upstairs shitting and my mom’s f*cking the turkey”.

A husband decides to join his wife for the first time playing golf. He’s never really been into the game, but since his wife was playing with all these men around, he wanted to come and check it out.

All day long he complains: About the heat, about the other people, about how long it’s taking…

They are on the 9th green when suddenly he collapses from a heart attack!

“Help me,” he groans to his wife.

The wife calls 911 on her cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up her putter, and lines up her putt.

Her husband raises his head off the green and stares at her. “I’m dying over here and you’re putting?”

“Don’t worry dear,” says the wife calmly, “they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you.”

“Well, how long will it take for him to get here?” he asks feebly.

“No time at all,” says his wife. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”

A son moved away to go to college, taking leave of his family and the family dog, Blue. A few months later, his father got a call from his son.

“Dad,” he said, “there’s an amazing program here that teaches dogs to talk!”

That’s amazing!’ his dad said. ‘How do I get Blue into that program?’

‘Just send him down here with $2,000,’ the son said. ‘I’ll get him into the course.’

So his father sent the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the boy called home again.

‘So, how’s Blue doing, son?’ his father enquired.

‘Awesome! Dad, he’s talking up a storm… But you just won’t believe this. They’ve had such good results with talking, they’ve begun to teach the dogs how to read.’

‘Read?’ exclaimed his father. ‘No kidding! How do we get Blue into that program?’

‘Just send $4,500. I’ll get him into the class.’

The money promptly arrived.

But our hero noticed an impending problem. At the end of the year, his father would find out that the dog can neither talk nor read.

Then, finally, he came up with a plan. First he gave the dog to a nice family. Then he went home at the end of the year to see his excited father.

‘Where’s Blue? I just can’t wait to talk with him, and see him read something!’

‘Dad,’ the boy said. ‘I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Blue kicked back in the recliner to read the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, ‘So, is your dad still seeing that little redhead barmaid at the pub?”

The father groaned and whispered, ‘I hope you shot that bastard before he talked to your mother!’

‘I sure did, dad!’

‘That’s my boy!’

The lad went on to be a successful lawyer.