Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A guy at a bar was just looking at his drink. He stayed like that for half an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor man started weeping bitterly.

The truck driver said, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

“No, it’s not that. It’s just that this day is the worst of my life…

“First, I fall asleep, and I get to my office late. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, and head towards my car, I find out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.

“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.

And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

Another year has passed
And we’re all a little older.

Last summer felt hotter
And winter seems much colder.

I rack my brain for happy thoughts,
To put down on my pad,

But lots of things, That come to mind
Just make me kind of sad.

There was a time not long ago
When life was quite a blast.

Now I fully understand
About ‘Living in the Past’.

We used to go to friends homes,
Football games and lunches.

Now we go to therapy, to hospitals,
And after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers,
From parties that were gay.

Now we suffer body aches
And sleep the night away.

We used to go out dining,
And couldn’t get our fill.

Now we ask for doggie bags,
Come home and take a pill.

We used to travel often
To places near and far.

Now we get backaches
From riding in the car.

We used to go out shopping
For new clothing at the Mall

But, now we never bother…
All the sizes are too small.

That, my friend is how life is,
And now my tale is told.

So, enjoy each day and live it up…
Before you’re too damn old!!

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, “You know I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds.

I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late.”

His friend looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach.

I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say ‘WHO’S HORNY?!’

She always acts like she’s sound asleep. Works every time!”

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

The cowboy groaned but didn’t budge.

The usher became more impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there, I’m going to have to call the manager.

The cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment, he had returned with the manager.

Together, the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?”

“Sam,” the cowboy moaned.

“Where ya from, Sam?”

With pain in his voice Sam replied……. “The balcony.”

During King Solomon’s reign, there was a handsome, successful young man who was wanted by all the young maidens in the kingdom. This young man was certainly aware of his advantages, and he would go wild with different girls and promise each of them the whole world. While most of the ladies knew he could not be trusted, two young women took his words seriously and announced to their family that they were going to marry the most successful and beautiful man in the kingdom.

The rumors of the marriage spread, and the two mothers of the young women who heard that someone else would marry the wanted man began to quarrel over the fate and future of their daughters. After failing to settle the dispute, the two mothers decided to go to King Solomon, the wisest man, and ask him to decide which of their daughters would marry the boy.

They dragged the young man to court and made their claims to the wise king. Solomon listened to them patiently, and after they finished he ordered, “Bring me the greatest sword in the palace, I will split the man in two, and each woman will receive half of him!”

The first mother looked rather indifferent and said, “Bring him the sword.”

The other mother, who was shocked by the order, yelled, “Your majesty, remove the command, I will give up the groom-only do not spill his blood!”

King Solomon looked at the two women with a big smile and said, “The first mother’s daughter will marry the young man!”

The confused court clerk turned to Solomon and said, “My wise king, aren’t you confused? The first mother was willing to cut that young man into two!”

“Right!” King Solomon replied, “This proves that she is worthy of being his real Mother in law!”