Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A newly wed fisherman’s wife sees her husband sleeping on the couch. Bored, she decides to take the boat on a ride around the lake. She goes forward a bit, then drops the anchor and reads a book in peace. A short while later, an officer of the coast guard appears and stops besides her.

“Good morning, ma’am, what are you doing?”

“I’m reading a book.” Answered the surprised woman. Couldn’t he see that, she thought.

“I’m afraid this is a no fishing area.” The officer notified her.

“I’m sorry officer but I’m not fishing, I’m clearly reading.”

“Yes but you can start at any second, you have all the right equipment. I’m going to have to take you to the station and fill out a complaint.”

“OK, but if you do that I will have to give my own complaint about you sexually assaulting me!”

“But..” splattered the surprised office, “I never touched you!”

“Yes that’s true,” Replied the woman, “but you can start at any second, you have all the equipment…”

Four explorers became lost in the jungle and wandered for days with no food and little water…

One day, just as they were finally about to give up, they crawled into a clearing and there right in front of them stood a Cannibal’s restaurant.

Out front near the entrance was a large menu board.

With the little energy they had left, they dragged themselves across the clearing and looked up to see the following menu:

They struggled into the establishment, dragged themselves to a table, and a waiter came to take their order.

Before they ordered, one of the explorers asked the waiter, “Can you help me understand your menu?

The first two items are priced about the same, but the third item, the politician, is priced so much higher. Why is that?”

“Are you kidding?” replied the waiter. “Did you ever try to CLEAN one of those suckers?”

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa.

Eventually he shot down a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over it, the elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.'”

The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”

The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurred on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times and so on, back and forth until someone gives up.” The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart. Now it’s my turn.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “You know what? Take the duck.”

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, were chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives.

All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers.

After a few days, they met up for lunch and compared notes.

The engaged woman: “The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and, a mask.

He saw me and said: ‘You are the woman of my life. I love you.’ Then we made love all night long.”

The mistress: “Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.

When I opened the raincoat, he didn’t say a word, but we had wild sex all night!”

The married woman said: “I sent the kids to stay at my mother’s house for the night when my husband came home.

I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.

As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said: ‘What’s for dinner, Batman?'”

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: “I’ve been here five years. I’m not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows.”

Second Bull: “I’ve been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I’m keeping all my cows.”

Third Bull: “I’ve only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I’m keeping all 10 of my cows.”

Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they’ve ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

First Bull: “I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend.”

Second Bull: “I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”

They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

First Bull: “Son, don’t be foolish – let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”

Third Bull: “Hell, he can have all my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’m a BULL.”