Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man decided to spend the night with a prostitute.

When it was over she told him to pay $500. He said he’d send it to her in an envelope marked “Rent for Apartment.”

The next day, however, he regretted that he spent the night with her and sent only $250. When she wrote him a letter asking why he didn’t pay full price, he wrote her a memo saying:

“Dear lady, I am including a check for $250 for your rent. I am not sending you the sum we previously agreed on, as before I rented the apartment I was given the impression that:

1. The apartment had not been used before.

2. It had adequate heating.

3. It was small enough for me to feel comfortable in it.

Instead, I found the apartment had been used many times before, had no heating and was too big for me!”

Quite pleased with himself, he sends the letter.

A few days later the prostitute responds in her own letter, saying the following:

“Dear Sir,

1. You should have known such a beautiful apartment had been rented before.

2. The apartment did have adequate heating. You just didn’t know how to turn it on.

3. The apartment was the perfect size. You just didn’t have large enough furniture to fill it.

You are hereby asked to pay the rent in full or I will be forced to contact your current landlady!”

In light of the rising frequency of human – grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.

They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them.

They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung.

Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule (jackass to the knowing) in the churchyard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department.

They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department.

The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.

Now, the preacher knew the mayor, and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, “Why did you call me anyway? Isn’t it your job to bury the dead?”

The preacher asked the Lord to direct his response. He said: “Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!”

With their ailing mother needing constant medical supervision, a family decided to bring her to a very expensive and caring nursing home for a day to try it out.

The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay but after a while she slowly started to lean over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her out. Again, she seemed okay but after a while she started to tilt to the other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright.

This went on all morning, with the dedicated nurses making sure the old woman didn’t fall. Later, the family arrived to see how she was adjusting to her new home.

“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they asked.

“It’s very nice,” she replied. “Except they won’t let you fart.”

An Austrian maid asks the wife who employs her for a pay raise.

The wife became very angry about this and decided to talk to her about this raise.

She asked, “Now Anna, why do you think you should get a pay increase?”

“Well, madam, there are tree reasons why I should. The 1st is that I do iron better than you.”

Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”

Anna: “Your husband he say so.”

Wife: “Oh yeah?”

The second reason : “Annaeez that I am a better cook than you.”

Wife: “That’s a lie, who said you were a better cook than me?”

Anna: “Your hozban he did.”

Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”

Anna: “The third reason is that I am better than you in bed.”

The wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth, asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”

Anna: “No Madam… The gardener did.”

(A moment of silence passes…)

“So… how much do you want?”