Daily Joke: Jokes Library

The teacher in Johnny’s school asked the class what their mothers did for a living.

One little girl said her mother was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.

When it was Little Johnny’s turn, he stood up and said: “My mom’s a streetwalker.”

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal’s office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked, “Did you tell the principal what you said in class?”

Johnny said “Yes”

“Well, what did the principal say?”

“He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number.”

A guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks “Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looks around the shop and says “about 2 hours,” and the guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks…”how long before I can get a haircut?”

Again, the barber looks around at a shop full of customers and says “about 2 hours.” The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks “how long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says “about an hour and a half”. The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says “Hey, Joey, I’ll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes.”

In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, “this must be good, where did he go when he left here?”

“To your house!”

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1957 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell. “Oh, come on in!” Peggy Sue’s mother said as she welcomed Fred in.

“Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?” “Iced tea, please,” Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

“So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?” she asked.

“Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach…”

“Peggy likes to screw, you know,” Mom informed him.

“Uh…really?” Fred replied, with raised eyebrows. “Oh, yes!” the mother continued.

“When she goes out with her friends, that’s all they do!” “Is that so?” asked Fred, incredulous.

“Yes,” said the mother. “As a matter of fact, she’d screw all night if we let her!”

“Well, thanks for the tip,” Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

“Have fun, kids,” the mother said as they left. Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

“The Twist, Mom!” she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. “That damned dance is called the Twist!”

A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room.

She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks.

As he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle.

He picks it up, and as he’s looking at it, she walks back in. He says, “What’s this?”

She says, “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.”

He turns beet red in horror and goes, “Geez, oh . . . I . . .”

She says, “Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.”

Once Dean and Martin came to Martin’s house and heard some noises in Martin’s bedroom upstairs.

Surprised and alert, they crept up and peeked inside the bedroom carefully from the gap in the door.

They found his milkman in bed with Martin’s wife. They went down silently and into the kitchen.

Martin was shaking with rage.

He jerked open the fridge, grabbed two bottles of chilled beer and handed one over to Dean.

Both had a couple of sweeps in silence. Dean understood Martin’s rage and said: “Sorry about that, but what about that milkman?”

Martin: “What about him? He can get his own damn beer.”