Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired about the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.

On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area”.

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional, and I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way.” So they did.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.” So instead, the King hired the donkey on the spot.

And thus began the ancient-old practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions…

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove the saying about money, “you can’t take it with you”, wrong.

After much thought and consideration, the man finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases.

Then, he directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.

His plan was to reach out and grab the bags when he was ascending to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two pillow cases stuffed with cash.

“Oh, that darned old fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.

When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.

“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no,” he replies.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him.” she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t” breathes the barman, evidently getting a bit hot under the collar by this point. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues huskily, touching his lips.

“Tell him,” she says, “that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies’ room.”

A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog.

He names the dog Einstein and trains Einstein to do a couple of tricks.

He can’t wait to show Einstein off to his neighbor.

A few weeks later when the neighbor finally comes over, the guy calls Einstein into the house, bragging about how smart he is.

The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation.

The guy points to the newspaper on the couch and commands “Fetch!”Immediately, the dog climbs onto the couch and sits, his tail wagging furiously.

Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile disappears.

He starts to frown and puts on a sour face. Looking up at his master, he whines, “You think this is easy, wagging my tail all the time? Oy vey… And you think it’s easy eating that junk that you call designer dog food? Forget it… it’s too salty and it gives me gas. It’s disgusting I tell you!”

The neighbor is absolutely amazed … stunned. In astonishment, he says, “I can’t believe it. Einstein can speak. Your dog actually talks. You asked him to fetch the newspaper and he is sitting on the sofa talking to us.”

“I know, I know,” says the dog owner.

“He’s not yet fully trained. He thought I said kvetch.”

This man goes to confession and says, “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”

The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the “F-word” over the weekend.

The priest says, “Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language.”

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the “F-word”.

The priest sighs and tells him to continue. Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.

The priest says, “And you got upset over that and swore?”

The man replied, “No, that wasn’t why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees.”

The priest said, “And that’s when you swore.”

The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, “No, it wasn’t.

When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green.

However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree.”

The priest asked, “Is that when you said the ‘F-word’?” The man replied, “No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away.”

The priest let out a breath and queried, “Is that when you swore?”

The man replied, “No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole.”

The priest screamed, “Don’t tell me you missed the f…ing putt!”