Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Three nurses sadly pass away. They rise up into heaven, and there they approach the gatekeeper to plead their case for entering paradise.

So the keeper points to the first nurse, who says: “I worked in an emergency room. I treated many people, and always did my best to help. And although sometimes we would lose patients, I still think I deserve to enter.”

The gatekeeper glances at her file and admits her to heaven.

The second nurse then says, “I used to work in the operating room, assisting surgeons. It was a lot of stress, and we lost many people, but I always did my best.”

The keeper glances at her file and motions her to enter.

“And you?” He asks the third nurse.

“I was a case manager for an HMO. I worked with thousands of patients.” She answers confidently.

The gatekeeper takes a long and careful look at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts entering digits quickly, looking back from time to time at the woman’s file. After a few minutes like this, the keeper looks up, smiles at her and says: “Congratulations! You’ve been admitted to heaven… for five days!”

A husband and wife were sitting quitely in the park when the wife looked over at her husband and asked the following questions….

“What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?“

“Definitely not!“ says the husband.

“Why not? Don’t you like being married?“

“Of course I do.“

“Then why wouldn’t you remarry?“

“OKay, okay, I’d get married again.“

“You would?“ (with a hurt look)

(Husband makes audible groan)

“Would you live in our house?“

“Sure, it’s a great house.“

“Would you sleep with her in our bed?“

“Where else would we sleep?“

“Would you let her drive my car?“

“Probably,it is almost new.“

“Would you replace my picture with hers?“

“That would seem like the proper thing to do.“

“Would you give her my jewellery?“

“No, I’m sure she’d want her own.“

“Would you take her golfing with you?“

“Yes, those are always good times.“

“Would she use my clubs?“

“No!“ says the husband.

“She’s left-handed.“

Long silence…

“Damn.“

Much to the confusion and surprise of their parents, kids can sometimes blurt out the darndest things! Whether they’re having a chat with their toys or asking tricky questions about an aspect of life that is too early to reveal to them, some of the most hilarious things ever uttered have come straight from the mouths of babes. Keep scrolling to discover some of the most outrageous things kids have ever said:

I went to see a mortgage advisor with my 7 year old son. As I sat at the desk, my son sat down and said to the man “Hello, I am not her husband.”

5 year old: “Can I have a Twik?”
Me: “You mean Twix?”
5 year old: “No, I only want one.”

My 4 year old was using this spider man cup all day long without complaints.Then he hands it to me and calmly states, “Here, Mama. This is the worst cup I have ever seen.”

2 year old: “What’s that? Can I hold it?”
Me: ” That’s a calculator.”
2 year old: “No, that’s a calculNOW.”

I told my kids that we are no longer saying “shut up” because it sounds mean and can hurt people’s feelings. So my kids are getting creative with their use of words. My 9 year old daughter was talking and talking, and my 6 year old son couldn’t take it anymore and said, “SILENCE YOU PEASANT!”

When my child came home from school on the bus, I paused the work conference call I was on to ask her how her day was. She responded, “Shhhh go back to work. I have a list of things I want you to buy me with the money you are making.”She is five.

“C’mon, Elsa! Get it together!”
My almost 3 year old said this to her doll who kept falling over.

Soccer coach: “When you are trying to scrore a goal, kick the ball with the laces of your shoes.”
My 4 year old daughter: “Umm, we are in preschool. Dere’s only belcro [velcro] walking around here.”

My son walks up to me with his hands dangling under his chin, fingers spread out and wiggling around.
Son: “Mom, like my beard of testicles?!”
Me: “…What? Beard of… What?”
Son: “My beard of testicles…. I’m an octopus!”
Me: “TENTACLES, kiddo. They are called tentacles.”
Son: “Yeah, that’s what I meant.”

I sat down with my 3 year old daughter who was playing at her dollhouse.
I asked her which doll I could be and she replied, “The one that does the dishes.”

Dropped [my son] off at preschool and he says, ” Have a good weekend, Mommy” as he leaves the car. Clearly he has plans that don’t include me.

3 year old daughter: “Boys can wear dresses, right?”
Husband: “Yes, they can – most boys don’t, but if they wanted to, they could.”
3 year old daughter: “Daddy, you wouldn’t look good in a dress- it’s not your style.”

From my 5 year old: “Why do my little ball things hurt when I squeeze them?They’re not even attached to my body.”
Me: “Why is the dog’s head all wet?”

My 3 year old (standing outside on the patio): “Oh, because I peed on him.”
My 3 year old daughter walks in on my husband using the bathroom and says,
“Daddy, put that thing back in your pants.”

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side!

She turns to him, invitingly… they kiss…and then they rip each other’s clothes off and make hot steamy love. After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it for you?”

The guy yawns: “Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf.”

There was a man who took very good care of his body. Every day he lifted weights and jogged 6 miles.

One day, he looked in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over, apart from on his ‘thing’.

So, he decided to do something about it…

He went to the beach, took off all his clothes and buried himself in the sand, except for his ‘thing’ which he left sticking out.

Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane.

Upon seeing the ‘thing’ sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady:

“There’s no justice in the world!“

The other old lady asked what she meant.

She replied: “Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it.“

“When I was 30, I enjoyed it.

When I was 40, I asked for it.

When I was 50, I paid for it.

When I was 60, I prayed for it.

When I was 70, I forgot about it.“

“Now I’m 80, the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I’m too old to squat!“