04/27/2019 from Daily Jokes
#12668
It was 1832, and three women of different ages were walking back to their small farming village. They were carrying their shopping from the market from the next town.
As they draw nearer to their village, they turn a bend in the road and suddenly hear a mumble from what they thought was a pile of mud. They cautiously moved closer to the sound, and in the golden light of the setting sun, they saw that indeed it was a mud puddle, but with a naked man lying face down in the puddle, with his head just out of it.
“Could be someone from the village.” Said the first woman.
“We should check and help them back, they could freeze when night comes.” Said the second woman.
However, his face was so covered with mud she couldn’t tell.
“Turn him over.” Said the third, older woman matter-of-factly.
The other two use their feet to gingerly turn the man over. Then let their eyes go downwards.
“Well,” said the first woman dryly, “He’s not my husband, that’s for sure.”
The second woman looks over her shoulder and says: “Yep, that’s not your husband.”
The third woman takes a closer look and straightens with a curse.
“Don’t worry girls, he’s not even from our village.”
04/26/2019 from Daily Jokes
#12665
George goes to the doctor after getting some very bad news about his condition.
Doctor: “Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live.”
George: “Doctor, what on Earth are you saying?”, clearly shocked.
“What can I do to live at least a little longer? I don’t have any family but I really want to finish all the tv shows I’m watching.”
Doctor: “Well, do you eat greasy and fried food?”
George: “Yes.”
Doctor: “Stop doing that.”
George: “If I’ll live longer, sure!”
Doctor: “Do you drink sodas and eat fast food?”
George: “Yes.”
Doctor: “Stop doing that.”
George: “If it allows me to live longer, sure.”
Doctor: “Do you stay up late?”
George: “Most nights.”
Doctor: “Stop doing that.”
George: “Alright, done.”
Doctor: “Do you have sex often?”
George: “Yes. A lot.”
Doctor: “Stop doing that.”
George: “Well, I guess, if it means living longer.”
Doctor: “Do you smoke?”
George: “Yes.”
Doctor: “Stop doing that.”
George: “If it allows me to live longer, I will.”
Doctor: “Do you drink?”
George: “Yes…”
Doctor: “Stop doing that.”
George: “OK Doctor, but you didn’t tell me, if I do all the things you told me to do, how much longer will I live?”
Doctor: “You’ll still only live a week… but it will seem like a decade.”
04/25/2019 from Daily Jokes
#12662
A couple is finally going out to a nice dinner.
“The Magic Clown Circus is coming to town next week,” she said. “The poster says they have real acrobats. I always wanted to see one of those.”
“Maybe next year, Lisa.” says the man. “I’m super busy at work right now.”
The next night at dinner, before the man even sits, the wife bursts out excitedly: “The neighbors went to the show today and said the acrobats were doing the Macarena, the whole thing – on a tightrope! Can you imagine?”
“Honey, I’d love nothing better than to take you,” said the man. “But you know Frank will be mad if I don’t get this project done in time.”
The following night Lisa gushed about how apparently a dozen clowns had popped out of this teeny-tinsy-tiny car and did the Hokey Pokey in bloomers and it was about the funniest thing the neighbors had ever seen. The man was starting to feel a little bad that he couldn’t take her, but he had a job to do. He left while his wife was still talking excitedly about goats doing the Cha-Cha.
The night after, the wife was quite sad and morose.
“Donald, My tennis coach said last night the lion tamer and the elephant rider did a waltz and it was just the most perfect scene!” she said. “It feels like we’re the only people in town who haven’t seen the show yet and they only have one more tomorrow! Oh please can’t we go?”
Donald mulls it over and decides that this might be the only opportunity for them to see such a thing, and maybe work can wait. He calls his friend to ask him to cover for him at work the next day, and the man and his wife go to bed excited about seeing the show.
The next day at work the boss notices his best employee is out and inquires about it with the friend.
“Ah yes,” says the friend. “Donald won’t be coming in today due to four unseen circus dances.”
04/23/2019 from Daily Jokes
#12658
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson.
It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits … you name it.
Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy, William, we won’t be long … easy, boy.”
Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say, “It’s okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William.”
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She says to the elderly man, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”
“Thanks,” said the grandpa, “but I’m William. The little shit’s name is Kevin!”
04/22/2019 from Daily Jokes
#12653
A Californian winery managed to create a new type of wine by crossing Pinot Blanc with Pinot Grigot.
As a side effect, it reduces the number of times people need to get up to pee during the night.
It is being marketed in retirement homes around the world as Pinot More!