Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Three sons left home, said goodbye to their dear single mother, went out on their own and prospered. Then one day, revisiting together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother on her birthday. They all loved her dearly, and each wanted more than anything to give her something she’d truly love.

The first said, “I built a mansion for our mother. 26 rooms and a huge back yard filled with trees and flowers. A house that is fit for royalty, and will give her all the space she never had.”

The second said, “Well I bought her a luxury car, and not just for her to drive, no. It comes with a private driver that’ll take her anywhere she wants to go. She’ll never need to drive again, and he can help her carry heavy things back to the house.”

The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took the Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”

The three agreed that all gifts were well thought out, and were sure their mother would be amazed and delighted.

Soon thereafter, their dear mother sent out her letters of thanks: “Milton,” she wrote the first son, “the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”

“Gerald,” she wrote to the second son, “I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn’t what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the car my dear. And I must say the driver is quite rude!”

“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “you were the only one to have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. That chicken was delicious!”

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?” and the Guinness president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”

Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, “Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am
doing.” Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

Whoa there, said the doctor, “Don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there’s another one coming.” Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. “Hold that lantern up, don’t set it down there’s another one!” said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

“No, don’t be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there’s yet another one coming!” cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, “You reckon it might be the light that’s attractin’ ’em?

While working for an organisation that delivers lunches to elderly people, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.

She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

One day, I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.

As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”

Four women share a birthday and always celebrate it together.

For their 40th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because the waiters are cute and wear tight pants.

For their 50th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because the prices are reasonable and it has a good wine list.

For their 60th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because it’s quiet and has a nice view.

For their 70th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because it’s wheelchair accessible.

For their 80th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because they’ve never been there before.