Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man named Steve.

He would complain about everything. One day he went to their creek with his mule. He complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death.

At the funeral, when all the men walked by the wife she shook her head yes and every time the women walked by she shook her head no.

The minister asked “Why are you shaking your head ‘yes’ for men and ‘no’ for women?”

Her response was, “The men would say how sorry they felt for me and I was saying, ‘Yes, I’ll be alright.’ When the women walked by, they were asking if the mule is for sale….”

An art teacher, a math teacher, and a science teacher are all arguing over which one of them is the smartest.

The art teacher shows the others a giant clay sculpture of a dog he made. “This thing took me nearly a month to make.” He said. “Clearly this proves that I’m the smartest.”

The math teacher just laughs at him. “That’s nothing” she says. She then pulls out a huge 1’000 question math test which she took, and the score shows that she got them all right. “It took me two months to do this, and I got them all right on the first try!!”

“Oh you make me laugh” the science teacher says. He then pulls out a robot that he built which can do laundry, walk the dog, and shoot lasers out of its eyes. “Took me three months to build this beauty, watch and weep…”

Then the gym teacher comes laughing at all three of them. “You’re all idiots” He says. “Clearly I’m the smartest of you guys.”

“Oh yeah? Why’s that?” The science teacher says.

“Because I didn’t have to do any of that, and I still get paid the same as you!”

Four guys are playing golf together and talking about how successful their sons are.

The first says, “My son is so successful, he’s VP of his company and just gave his best friend a car. “

The second says, ” That’s nothing, my son is CEO of his company and just gave his best friend a house.”

The third says, “Well, my son owns 3 highly profitable companies and just gave his best friend a jet.”

They look expectantly at the last guy who says, “My son is a gay escort who gets showered with love and admiration. He just got a car, a house, and a jet from three of his clients.”

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at the neighbors house.

“Hey, Craig, did the police come?”

“Yep.”

“Did they chop your firewood?”

“Sure did, Eric. Thanks!”

“Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,

“Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state,

dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.

If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”

His wife got up, Kissed him ever so gently,

unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.