Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck’s one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, “Well we have the Parthenon.”

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, “We have the Coliseum.”

The Greek retorts, “We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.”

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, “But we built the Roman Empire”.

…and so on and on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, “We invented sex!”

The Italian thinks for a couple of seconds and replies quietly, “That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!”

A preacher was told by his doctor that he had only a few weeks left to live. He went home feeling very sad, and when his wife heard the sad news she said to him, “Honey, if there’s anything I can do to make you happy, tell me.” The preacher answered, “You know, dear, there’s that box in the kitchen cabinet with what you always called “your little secret” in it and you said you never would want me to open it as long as you lived. Now that I’m about to go home to be with the Lord, why don’t you show me what’s in that secret box of yours?”

The preacher’s wife got out the box and opened the lid. It contained $10,000 and three eggs. “What are those eggs doing in the box?” the preacher asked.
“Well, Honey,” she replied, “every time your sermon was really bad I put an egg in the box. Now the preacher had been preaching for over forty years, and seeing only three eggs in that old shoe box, he started to feel very proud about himself and it warmed his soul.

“And what about that $10,000?”” he asked. “Oh, you see,” she whispered softly, “every time there were a dozen eggs in the box, I . . . ummm . . . sold them . . . and put a dollar in the box.”

The story is told about a king in Africa who had a close friend he grew up with. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, “This is good!”

One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off.

Examining the situation the friend remarked as usual, “This is good!” To which the king replied, “No, this is NOT good!” and proceeded to send his friend to jail. About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took them to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake. As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone who was less than whole.

So untying the king, they sent him on his way. As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend. “You were right,” he said, “it was good that my thumb was blown off.” And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. “And so I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this.” “No,” his friend replied, “this is good!” “What do you mean, “this is good!” How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year?” “If I had not been in jail, I would have been with you!”

RECIPE FOR TURKEY DRESSING

4 EGGS, BEATEN
7 CUPS POPCORN, UNPOPPED
2 CUPS BREAD CRUMBS
2 CUPS RICE
1 CUP CELERY
1 PACKAGE LIPTON ONION SOUP MIX

MIX ALL INGREDIENTS AND STUFF BIRD.
ROAST FOR 3 HOURS IN 350 DEGREE OVEN.
AT THE END OF 3 HOURS, GET THE HELL OUT OF THE
KITCHEN BECAUSE THE POPCORN IS GOING TO BLOW THE ASS OFF THAT BIRD!!!!

========================
Butterball always has a turkey hot-line that they man every  year to field questions about how to cook a turkey.

This one lady called and asked how long it’d take to  roast her bird.

The representative asked, “How much does it weigh?”

The lady replied, “I don’t know.  It’s still running around outside!”

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.”

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?”

“No,” the cook said, “Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.”

“Oh, OK!” said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, “What are the beans for, Blondie?”

She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”