Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard,“Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?”

The guard replies, “They are three million, four years, and six months old.”

“That’s an awfully exact number,” says the tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?”

The guard answers, “Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago!”

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her
doctor and says “Doc, I’m getting married this week-end and
my fiancée thinks I’m a virgin, is there anything you can do
to help me?”
The doctor says,
“Medically, no, but here’s something you can try…
On the wedding night, when you’re getting ready for bed,
take an elastic band and slide it up your upper thigh.
When your husband enters you for the first time, snap the
elastic band and tell him it’s your virginity snapping.”
The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be
will fall for it.
They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the
honeymoon suite.
The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the
elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into
bed with her man.
Things begin to progress, her hubby “slips it in”,
she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby screams…
“What the heck was that!!?”
The wife explains,
“Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping”.
The husband cries out, “Well snap it again, it’s got my balls!!”

A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her  to take a swing at a ball to see how she’d do.

The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot.

The pro said “Your swing is good but you’re gripping the club too hard grip the club gently as you would your husband’s p3n!s.”.

The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway.

The pro said “That was excellent!!

Let’s try it again, only this time take the club out of your mouth.”

A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead.

Not happy with the vet’s diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion.

The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog.

The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head.

“There” says the vet,” Your hamster is dead”.

Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion.

The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat.

The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking it’s head.

“It’s definitely dead sir”, says the vet.

Convinced, the man enquires how much he owes.

“That will be $1000, please”.

“A $1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead” fumes the man.

“Well”, says the vet, “There’s my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan”.

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.

So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.

Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval.

Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that!

Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, “Son, the house is just gorgeous but it’s really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it’s much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don’t need the house, but thank you anyway.”

Then she explained to her second son, “Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don’t drive and I really don’t like that driver, so please return the car.”

Next, she went to son number three and said, “Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious.”