Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote:”I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years.”

“In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you re welcome to stay here, too.”

Upon reaching 65, Bill decided to retire.
After having him under foot for A few months, his wife
became very agitated with him.

She suggested he go And do something to occupy his time,
like join a club or get a hobby.
Bill obliged and went out for a couple of hours.

When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied, “Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys.
And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club.

“What? Are you nuts?
You’re 65 years old and you’re going to start
Jumping out of airplanes?”

“Yeah, look I even got a membership card.”

“Old man, you need glasses!

This is a membership in a Prostitute Club,
not a Parachute Club!”

“Oh, great! Now what am I going to do?
I signed up for 5 jumps a week!”

Two blonde gals went together to play the slot machines  at the casino.

Each agreed that when her allotted money was gone,  she would go to the front of the casino and sit on the bench  to wait for the other.

Trixie quickly lost all her money and went to sit on the bench. She waited and waited.

After what seemed an eternity, she finally saw Patty coming toward her, carrying this huge sack of coins.

“Hey, Trixie,” said Patty, “how’d you do?””Not very good,” came the reply.   “I’ve been waiting here for hours.”

Patty said: “You should have been with me did I ever find a  good machine!  It’s way in the back.  Come! I’ll show it to you . . . you can’t lose!  Ever time you put a dollar in,

you win four quarters!”

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t  seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge  red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen,  “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?”

The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front  of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes  turn red from blushing so much.”

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.

So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman,  “By the way, how did you make out?  Did your tomatoes turn red?”

“No”, she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.”

A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on  the couch watching the Playboy movie channel.

He looked at her and asked,  “Do you think we can still do that?”

“Well, we can sure try!” she answered.

So they shuffled off to the bedroom.  He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took  off all her clothes in the bedroom.

When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.

“What are you doing, sweetheart?” he asked.

“Well,” she replied, “I thought if you couldn’t get it up,  maybe you could just drop it in!