Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One old lady turns to the other and asks,
“Do you still get horny?”
The other replies, “Oh sure I do.”
The first old lady asks,
“What do you do about it?”
The second old lady replies,
“I suck a lifesaver.”
After a few moments,
the first old lady asks…
“Who drives you to the beach?”

An elderly retired Marine Fighter Pilot moved into a retirement community where good looking eligible men were at a premium. After he had been there for a week, he went to Confession and said, “Bless me Father for I have sinned. Last week I was with seven different women.”

The priest replied, “Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing.”
“Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?”
“No,” said the priest, “but it will wipe that crap-eatin’ grin off your face.”

Two women go out one night without their husbands.

They go to a bar, have a chat along with a couple of drinks and then head back home.

On the way home one of them turns to the other and says:

“Sorry, but I need to go to a toilet. Can we stop for a minute?”

The other looks at her and replies “I also have to go there, but where can we go in the middle of the street?”

“Oh, look, there is a cemetery over there we can go there.”

“Yes, but how are we going to wipe?”

“I’m just going to use my underwear and throw it out.”

Her friend however, was wearing her favorite (and rather expensive knickers) and didn’t want to ruin them. So she elected to take a wreath off a nearby grave and use that.
And so they went home.

The next day the husband of one was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was hungover and still in bed, so he phoned the other.

“Do you know where our wives went last night? Because mine came back home with no underwear.”

“Well you are luckier than me, my wife came home with a ribbon in her butt and on the ribbon it was written: ‘From all of us at the Fire Station. We’ll never forget you.’ “

Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease.

They’re explaining how him smoking weed led to his condition worsening.

“But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?”

Dr Jenkins sighed. “Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden – if you sit under it for just ten minutes, you will die. Just because it’s natural doesn’t mean it’s safe for you!”

The man seemed to accept that, and after he and the doctors parted ways, Dr Smith asked, “What is that plant that kills you if you sit under it?”

“A water lily.”

I took the family out to eat at AppleBees. The lot was full and I saw a customer come out to leave so I waited 1o minutes for him to pull out and take the spot. Guy pulls out and a car full of young girls just pull in to my spot. You know the type. Well I rolled down my window and told them I was waiting for the space and the driver says “too bad, your name wasn’t on it”. I was livid but just waited for another space and went in and ate.

Girls were at the bar doing shots getting wasted. We enjoyed our meal and paid the waiter. I then asked the waiter if he wanted to make $20. I asked him to go up to the girls, 10 minutes after we left, and tell them they got a call from someone that said that hey had a keyed their car and that they should have parked somewhere.  I DID NOT KEY THE CAR.

I called him about an hour later to ask how it went. He said they all went nuts, screaming and shit and even called the police.

Bonus: Cops came and found no damage to car but noticed the girls were to damage to drive. Cops left and circled back and watched the car. Girls come out, get in car,start the car, and the parking lot exploded in blue light. Busted! GUIs and PDs for all.

I did not know about the bonus till a week later when I went back for a few beers. The waiter recognized me and told me the bonus story, laughing the whole time. Another $20 to the waiter. Best $40 I ever spent and I kept a drunk driver off the streets.