Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Four guys are playing golf together and talking about how successful their sons are.

The first says, “My son is so successful, he’s VP of his company and just gave his best friend a car. “

The second says, ” That’s nothing, my son is CEO of his company and just gave his best friend a house.”

The third says, “Well, my son owns 3 highly profitable companies and just gave his best friend a jet.”

They look expectantly at the last guy who says, “My son is a gay escort who gets showered with love and admiration. He just got a car, a house, and a jet from three of his clients.”

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at the neighbors house.

“Hey, Craig, did the police come?”

“Yep.”

“Did they chop your firewood?”

“Sure did, Eric. Thanks!”

“Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,

“Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state,

dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.

If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”

His wife got up, Kissed him ever so gently,

unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay of Fundy, Nova Scotia, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. “We know it’s late, sir, but we have some information about your wife,” said one of the Mounties.

“Tell me! Did you find her!?” the husband shouted.
The Mounties looked at each other. One said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said: “Give me the bad news first.”
The second Mountie said: “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in the bay.”

“Oh my God!” exclaimed the husband.
Swallowing hard, he asked: “What’s the good news?”

The Mountie continued: “When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her.”

Stunned, the husband demanded: “If that’s the good news, what’s the great news???”
The Mountie answered: “We’re gonna pull her up again tomorrow”.

A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher. I was testing the children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, ‘ If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?’ ‘NO!’ the children answered.
‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?’ Again, the answer was ‘NO!’
‘If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?’Again, they all answered ‘NO!’

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, ‘Then how can I get into heaven?’
A little boy shouted out: ‘YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN’ DEAD!’
It’s a curious race, the Irish. Brings a tear to the eye, doesn’t it? eh?