Daily Joke: Jokes Library

After three crop failures in a row farmer Jones could not pay his loan at the bank.
“Give me one more chance he pleaded. Don’t take my farm, we’ll be broke and homeless.”
The bank manager comes up with an idea.
“OK, one more chance but not with crops. No one fails at pig farming so we’ll finance the purchase of five sows to start you off. Your neighbor down the road has a boar pig and you’ll have to take your sows to him so the boar can service them. In a few months you should have a bunch of little piglets all ready for market.”
Farmer Jones collects the five sows, loads them into his pickup truck, drives to his neighbor and unloads the five sows into the boar’s pen. They then go back to the farm house and have a couple of beers.
When enough time has passed they go back to the boar’s pen and load five happy sows into the pickup.
Farmer Jones asks, “What if it didn’t take?”
“That never happens with my boar,” replies the neighbor.
“But how can I tell for sure?”
“Look, tomorrow morning observe your sows. If they’re rolling in the mud, it took, if they’re on the grass, call me.”
The following morning farmer Jones observed his sows strolling on the grass.
He calls his neighbor who instructs him to bring them back.
He rounds them up, loads them into the pickup and drives to the boar’spen where the whole process is repeated.
Unlucky farmer Jones has to load them in the pickup and take them back four times.
On the fifth morning he is so worried he can’t look.
He stalls for half an hour then asks his wife to look. “I hope they’re not on the grass, dear.”
“Well they’re not,” says his wife.
“Oh finally, then they’re rolling in the mud!” exclaimed the farmer.
“No…”
“Well what are those fool sows doing?
“Well, four are trying to climb into the pickup and the fifth managed to climb into the cab and is trying to honk the horn!!!”

An old guy approaches the window of the movie theater
with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets.
The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him.
He replies, “Well, my pet chicken, of course!”
“I’m sorry,” The girl tells him.
“We can’t allow animals in the theater.”
The guy goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into  his pants.
He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in.
Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins
to squirm, so the man unzips his pants so the chicken can
stick it’s head out and watch the movie.
Seated next to him is a woman.
She looks over at his lap and is horrified.
She elbows her friend Myrtle and whispers,
“Myrtle, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!”
Myrtle whispers back, “Oh, don’t worry about it…you’ve seen one,
you’ve seen them all.”
Agnes says, “I KNOW…BUT THIS ONE IS EATING MY POPCORN!!”

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk’s hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.

“Guess what, sir?” the clerk said. “I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we’ve had so long!”

“Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!” the manager asked.

“That’s the one!”

“That’s great!” the manager cried, “I thought we’d never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we’ve ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?”

“Oh,” the clerk replied, “after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me.”

Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving.
They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power.
But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.
Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.
Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes.
They live in homes, apartments and cabins.
They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
Women do more than just give birth.
They bring joy and hope.
They give compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.

MEN
Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders.

This lady found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some “Nair” hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms don’t use deodorant for a few days.” The lady says: “I’m not using it under my arms.” The druggist says: “If you’re using it on your legs don’t shave for a couple of days.” The lady says: “I’m not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I’m using it on my schnauzer..” The druggist says: “Stay off your bicycle for at least a week.”