Daily Joke: Jokes Library

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street Corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep”.

Two beggars in London

Ali and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London …

Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Habib asks Ali ‘I work just as long and hard as you do but how is it that you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?’

Ali says, ‘Look at your sign, what does it say’?

Habib’s sign reads ‘I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support’.

Ali says No wonder you only get £2- £3

Habib says ‘So what does your sign say’?

Ali shows Habib his sign. It reads:

‘I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan’.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

“Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?” his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries and did research, but found the prices to be too high.

My daughter is inviting all of her friends, and I’ll look bad if I don’t put together a good cake, he thought. Then, he stumbled upon a shop that opened once a year to provide free cake to its customers.

How quaint, the father thought, but desperate, he walked inside to see if they could provide a cake for his daughter’s birthday.

He was met by a Buddhist monk chanting and lighting incense.

“Hello,” the father asked, “I would like to buy a cake.”

“Of course,” the monk replied, “just draw a picture of the cake you would like on the notepad on the desk.”

The father thought this to be weird, but wanting to save as much money as possible, he gave him the address and told him to come in the backdoor, just in case the cake was bad.

The day of the party arrived and the monk visited the house with the most extravagant cake the family had ever seen. All of the guests were in awe, and whispered to each other about how much the cake could have cost.

The monk became the guest of honor and at the end of the party, the father approached the monk and asked,

“Why do you do this for free? You should take money for your services!”

The monk smiled and said, “I do this for free because a cake day is the best way to earn karma.”

The daughter and one of her friends overheard this and the daughter repeated the monk’s response to the friend.

“I know, I just heard him say that.” her friend responded.

“Yes,” the daughter said, “but repeating a joke on your cake day is the second best way to earn karma.”

A violent tropical storm enveloped a sailing yacht off the southern coast of Florida lasting all night and most of the next morning. As the sky cleared and the seas calmed, the people on the yacht realized they were grounded on a coral reef about a mile from shore in shark infested waters.
Most of those aboard the yacht were badly injured from their ordeal. The only able bodied that were on board were a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer.
The doctor says, “Someone is going to have to swim ashore and get some help. I would volunteer but most of the crew and passengers are in pretty bad shape and I am needed here to care for them.”
The priest replies, “I would volunteer to go also but I might be needed to comfort the injured or perform last rights.”
The lawyer says, “No problem.”
He immediately strips off his shirt and dives into the shark infested water. There is a great turbulence in the water and then the doctor and priest notice that all of the sharks have formed a double line from the yacht to the beach allowing the lawyer to swim between them.
“My Goodness,” says the priest. “It is a miracle!”
The doctor looking at the lawyer swimming to shore says, “No, Father. It is not a miracle. It’s professional courtesy!”

There was a swimming competition to cross the
English Channel by only being allowed to do the breaststroke.
The three women who entered the race were a brunette,
a redhead, and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on
the shore and was declared the fastest swimmer.
About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore
and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours later, the blonde finally came ashore and
promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete
the race, she replied,
“I don’t want to sound like I’m a sore loser, but I think that
the other girls were using their arms…”