Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A woman wants to divorce her husband, so she is talking to her lawyer.

Lawyer: “Well first we need a reason, is he not giving you money?”

Woman: “if he hides as much as a dollar from me, I’m not cooking for him for three days straight.”

Lawyer: “Well is he beating you?”

Woman: “Him? I’d throw him through the window, with my left hand only”

Lawyer: “How about being faithful?”

Women: “That’s where we get him! The second child is not from him.”

They are sitting in the waiting room talking about why they are there.

The first one tells the others, “Well, it’s so sad, I’m here because I bit my owner’s hand. I’m so sorry about it, but still they want me to be euthanized.”

The second one tells a similar story, “Yeah, I feel you, man. I bit my owner’s butt. I tried to apologize, but they wouldn’t listen. I’m also here to be euthanized.”

The third starts telling his story, “Well, it’s a longer story… One day I went up the stairs into my owner’s bathroom. She had just been taking a shower. I usually am not allowed to go there but my curiosity got the best of me. I entered the room and that’s when I saw her, my owner, butt naked, crawling on the floor, wiping up the water from the shower, giving me a perfect view. It was so inviting that I couldn’t hold back. I jumped on her and had the time of my life with her…”

“Aww, that’s so sad. Now she’ll have you euthanized as well, I guess?” said the second dog.

“Naaah,” the third dog said, “I’m just here to have my claws cut.”

A guy dies and ends up in hell. He meets Satan who says, “Don’t worry. We actually have a lot of fun here. Do you like to drink?” The guy says, “I love to drink.” Satan says, “Well you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that’s all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, beer, wine, all on the house! And no hangovers, so drink as much as you want. The git says, “that sounds great!”

Satan says, “ Are you a smoker?” The guy says, “uh, yeah”. Satan says, “You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world. And you can’t get cancer because you’re already dead.” The guy is astonished.

Satan says, “I bet you like to gamble.” The guy replies, “well, I did love casinos.” Satan says, “On Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots. And who cares if you lose? You’re dead!”

“And do you do drugs?” The guys is really excited, “of course I do drugs!” Satan says, “Thursday is drug day. You can do all the drugs you want and never get addicted.”

The guy says, “wow I didn’t think hell would be such a great place! What happens on Fridays?”

Satan says, “are you gay?”

The man says, “no.”

Satan says, “oh… you’re not gonna like Fridays then.”

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. ”

St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a trouser snake ?” The Sister Responds “Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta… touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…” St. Peter says “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so.

St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a trouser snake?” “Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…” “Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so.

Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!” Sister Susan responds “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”

The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed  some exercise.

You need to make sure the dog runs around, the doctor said.

Try playing a game of fetch.

I can’t play fetch with my dog, the blonde said.

Why not? the doctor asked.

Because, she replied, He can’t throw.