Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A boss said to his secretary, “I want to make love with you, but I will make it very fast.

I’ll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I’ll be done.”

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, “Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won’t even have enough time to undress himself.” She agrees.

After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, “So what happened?”

She responds, “The …bastard…..used …..coins”

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and
became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch.
They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches
every day!
This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades,
until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn’t a chicken sandwich.
He said, “Hey, how come you’re not eating chicken,
don’t you like it anymore?”
She said “I love it but I have to stop eating it.”
“Why?” he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said
“Cause I’m starting to grow little feathers down there!”
“Let me see” he said.
“Okay! ” and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, “That’s right.
You are!
Better not eat any more chicken.”
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he
brought peanut butter
He said to the little girl, “I have to stop eating chicken
sandwiches, I’m starting to get feathers down there too!”
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She said Oh, my God, it’s too late for you!
You’ve already got the neck and the gizzards!!

Friday night, Patrick went to his friend Paddy and said “Paddy, I need a favor – I’m sleeping with the bartender’s wife. Can you hold him in the pub for an hour after he closes up?”

Paddy was not very fond of the idea, but being Patrick was a lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.

After the pub closed, Paddy struck up a conversation with the bartender asking him all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied. After some time, the bartender became suspicious and asked, “Paddy, what are you really up to with all this?”

Paddy, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, confessed to the bartender and said, “I’m sorry…. my friend Patrick is sleeping with your wife right now and asked me to keep you occupied.”

The bartender smiled and putting a brotherly hand on Paddy`s shoulder, said *”Asshole, I think you’d better hurry home, my wife died two years ago.”

A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what’s wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Sally was in the house naked.

So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, “What’s going on?” He replies, “I’m having a heart attack.”

She says “I’m going to call 911” and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet however, she discovers the Aunt in the nude, and gives her a tight slap, “How dare you! My husband is having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”

A farmer walks into a lawyer’s office and says: “I’d like to get one of them-thar day-vorce-ees”
“Yes sir, I believe I can help you” replied the lawyer. “Do you have any grounds?”
“Oh shore do!”, exclaimed the farmer, “Got me bout a 140 acres out back a the house thar.”
“No no…, I mean do you have a case?” asked the lawyer.
“No sur,” replied the farmer, “I drive one of them John Deer’s”
“You don’t understand,” said the lawyer, “You need something like a grudge.”
“Oh!!” said the farmer, “I got me one of those! That’s what I park muh Deer in!”
The lawyer, a bit frustrated responded, “Sir, you’ve got to have a reason to divorce your wife. Does she beat you up or anything?”
“No sur”, replied the farmer, “I purt near get outta bed afore her ever mornin.”
Finally the exasperated lawyer shouted, “WHY do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, well…” replied the farmer, “She says we jus can’t communicate!!”