Daily Joke: Jokes Library

An important executive was telling friends at his country club
about some of his life experiences:
“So I bought this yacht that could carry fifty people and I took
it out for a maiden voyage and it hit a reef and sunk.”
“Then I bought an airplane and on the first flight it hit another
plane on the field and burned up.”
“Then I married this beautiful blonde and no sooner did I get home
than I found her fooling around with the chauffeur and I had to
divorce her.”
“So what’s the moral?” one of the others asked.
“Clear as a bell,” said the old man.
“If it swims, flies, or fxcks, ….lease it, …don’t buy it.”

Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner.

The first Pastor said, “Ya know,since summer started I’ve been having trouble with mice in my church. I’ve tried everything–noise, spray, cats–nothing seems to scare them away.

The second Pastor then said “Yea, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in the basementof the church. I’ve set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won’t go away.”

With a grin on his face, the third Pastor said, “I had the same problem so I baptised all mine and made them members of the church… Haven’t seen one back since!!!”

A Canadian customer was calling to find out if there was a faster way to trigger menu commands than mousing up to the menus.
Agent: “Certainly, sir. There are keyboard shortcuts for many of those commands. For example, suppose you want to trigger the Select All command.”
Caller: “Yes, I use that one all the time! How do I do it?”
Agent: “Well, you just press Control-A.”
Caller (after a pause): “Well, that’s not working for me.”
Agent: “Do you have a text document open in front of you?”
Caller: “Yes, I sure do.”
Agent: “OK, now press Control-A.”
Caller: “I am, but nothing happens.”
Agent: “The text isn’t highlighted?”
Caller: “No, there’s no change at all.”
Agent: “That’s odd. If you press Control-A the whole document should be highlighted. Try it again. Press Control-A. Tell me exactly what’s happening.”
Caller (nearing his Canadian breaking point): “Listen. I’m pressing Control, eh? And nothing’s happening, eh?”

Bambi, the blonde in her fourth freshman year at UCLA,
sat in her U.S. Government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.
Wade was about.
Bambi thought a moment, then answered,
“that was the decision George Washington had to make when
he decided to cross the Delaware.”

Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.

“Did you get that for your birthday?” asked Johnny.

“Nope,” replied Jimmy.

“Well, did you get it for Christmas then?”

Again Jimmy said, “Nope.”

“You didn’t steal it, did you?” asked Johnny.

“No,” said Jimmy. “I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom the other night when they were ‘doing the nasty”. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.”

Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy’s new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents’ bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom.

His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily, “What do you want now?”

“I wanna watch,” Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said, “Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet.”