Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man in his mid-forties had just purchased a new BMW and decided to take it out on the interstate for a relaxing evening drive. With the top down and the wind blowing through the little hair he had left, he wondered what the car could really do.

As the speedometer climbed to 80 mph, he suddenly noticed red and blue lights flashing behind him. Thinking, “No way a police car can catch a BMW,” he pushed the accelerator even harder.

He hit 90, then 100, before common sense kicked in and he realized outrunning the police was a bad idea. He eased off the gas and pulled over.

The officer approached, silently took his license, and looked over both the man and the vehicle.

“It’s been a long day, my shift is almost over, and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t want to deal with extra paperwork. If you can give me a reason for your speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”

The man paused, then said, “Last week, my wife ran off with a police officer. I was afraid you were bringing her back.”

“Have a good weekend,” the officer replied, and walked away.

A runaway criminal, trying to ditch the police, bolts straight into the desert with about two drops of water to his name. Naturally, he finishes it in five minutes and spends the next few hours waddling under the desert sun like an overcooked penguin.

Just when he’s ready to give up on life, he spots something way off in the shimmering distance. Convinced it’s an oasis, he summons the last bit of dignity he has left and sprints toward it only to find a tiny old man standing behind a tiny stand… selling ties. Just ties.

“Hey! Old man! Got any water?” gasps the criminal.

The old man shrugs. “No water left. But I do have ties. Only five bucks each.”

The criminal explodes. “Are you kidding me? Do I look like I need a tie? If I wasn’t dying, I’d strangle you with one!”

“No need for violence,” sniffs the tie seller. “But even though you’re rude and clearly have no fashion sense, I’ll help you anyway. Walk three miles over that hill and you’ll find a restaurant—great food, endless ice-cold water. Good luck.”

Grumbling insults under his breath, the criminal stumbles off.

Hours later, the tie seller looks up to see the same man crawling—literally crawling—back over the dune like a dehydrated lizard. He collapses at the old man’s feet, wheezing.

“You alright?” asks the tie seller, leaning in to hear the whisper.

“They… won’t… let me in… without… a tie…”

After examining an elderly couple, the doctor assured them that they were physically fine but suggested they start writing things down to help with their worsening memory. The couple thanked the doctor and went home.

A few days later, while watching TV, the old man stood up. His wife asked, “Where are you going?”

“To the kitchen,” he replied.

She said, “Could you get me a bowl of ice cream?”

“Of course,” he answered.

“Don’t you think you should write it down so you don’t forget?” she asked.

“I’ll remember,” he insisted.

“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top,” she added. “You’d better write that down—you’ll forget.”

“I’ll remember. Ice cream with strawberries,” he said.

“And I’d like some whipped cream too,” she continued. “You really should write it down.”

Growing irritated, he responded, “I don’t need to write it down. I’ll remember.” Then he headed to the kitchen.

Twenty minutes later, he came back with a plate of bacon and eggs.

His wife exploded, “See? You forgot the onions!”

A blonde and a brunette decided they were going to rob a bank. They came up with what they thought was a brilliant plan and set everything in motion.

The brunette pulled the getaway car right up to the front doors. She turned to the blonde and said, “Alright… you DO remember the plan, right?”

The blonde rolled her eyes. “Yes, yes, I remember!”
Still not convinced, the brunette went over the plan one last time and sent her inside.

Before the blonde closed the car door, the brunette shouted, “Five minutes! In and out!”
The blonde sprinted inside.

The brunette waited… and waited… and waited…
Just when she was about to drive off without her, the bank doors exploded open. The alarm was screaming, and the blonde came stumbling out dragging the entire bank safe behind her, tied to her by a rope like some deranged pet rock.

Hot on her heels was a security guard, pants around his ankles, waddling and shouting while trying to grab his gun.

The blonde huffed and puffed, trying to stuff the safe into the car. Eventually she gave up, dropped it, dove into the passenger seat, and slammed the door just as the brunette hit the gas.

The guard shouted “STOP! STOP!” as they sped away, leaving the safe behind with the rope still neatly tied around it.

The brunette yelled, “What on earth happened in there?!”

Barely catching her breath, the blonde said, “What do you mean? I followed the plan EXACTLY!”

The brunette smacked the steering wheel.
“NO YOU DIDN’T! You were supposed to TIE UP the guard and BLOW the safe — not the other way around!”

A blind man loved exploring new places, so one day he decided to check out Texas. When he arrived at his hotel, he felt around the bed and said, “Good grief… this thing is massive!”

The bellhop grinned. “Welcome to Texas, sir. EVERYTHING is bigger here!”

Later, the man went down to the bar, climbed onto a barstool the size of a small mountain, and ordered a beer.

The bartender placed a mug in his hands. “Holy smokes, this thing is huge!”

The bartender chuckled. “Sir, EVERYTHING is big in Texas!”

After a few oversized drinks, the blind man asked where the bathroom was.

“Second door on the right,” the bartender said.

Unfortunately, the blind man wandered through the third door instead—straight into the swimming pool. He popped up thrashing and yelling at the top of his lungs:

“Don’t flush! DON’T FLUSH!!!”